tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25018708198307538612024-02-07T03:31:48.050-08:00Foods for my soulTishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-51048501916160796382023-05-07T18:24:00.001-07:002023-05-07T18:24:28.461-07:00funny or not?<p>i just had some random (but seems very important) thought. i have been looking through some videos of students posted online by their teacher (for whatever purpose) and its kind of bothering me and i wonder if other parent felt the same too. especially in the beginning of the school year, many teachers uploaded videos of childrens on their first day of school. some videos are funny, well mostly. but i thought, it is funny to us adult. but is it funny to them? would they find it hillarious as us adult do or do they find it embarassing. if its the latter, then we need a to look deeper on this issue.</p><p>theres one video of this teacher uploaded of a unfortunate student who dont have money to buy food at the canteen. the teacher was kind enough to give some which is heartwarming but, by displaying the student cute innocent face, i think we adult just violated his/her right for own goodness. we felt good doing it, educating adults to be more kind more aware of unfortunate students and but the child… what would he felt about it? will he be okay with it? when he grows up… would he be happy or resent it?</p><p>there’s video of embarassing moments of children at first day of school. its cute for us adult to watch. but for them? my children, always find it funny but at the same time embarassing of their own videos that i recorded without their permission (we parent always do) if they watch it and hide or trying to block my phone so that others dont see, i take it that they dont like the videos and they were embarrassed by it, sometimes they went to the extends of getting physical (hit the person that embarass them, fortunately they only hit siblings or mom and dad but never outsider lol), so this matter is very a big issue to me. because sometime it could get worse. and i learnt over the years to know my limit to tease them. and in my household, we are still learning to respect each other and try to learnt the boundarings of making fun of others. and its very hard. because this family take teasing very seriously -_- and dad always involve. so educating the kids and the dad.. double work.… why cant they just be ‘not bothered’ like mummy. life is so much easier.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-2219337983670957642023-02-10T01:12:00.002-08:002023-02-10T01:12:30.641-08:00Birthday(s)<p>no one celebrating birthday today but while i was driving earlier today, i had reminisce my own birthday, which surprised me that i dont remember celebrating them much throughout my life, but only a few that i remember well.</p><p>when i was a toddler, perhaps around ihsan’s age. i remember wearing a white and yellow top, my curly wurly hair, my round cake that i shared to blow the candle with my little brother. it was a home celebration. </p><p>when i was 12, my mom promised me that i get to have a birthday party where i can invite friends over. i was so excited. having a birthday party at that age at that time is a huge thing. i invite my friends which mostly were my neighbour. did we decorae the house? i remembered my mom made a square cake with white classic flowery pattern icing in the corner. it was my favourite, pandan cake. i recevied some birthday presents from friends, too. </p><p>when i was 16, i went to boarding school. my mom rarely came visit me, probably busy taking care of my other siblings and the household. only my dad use to come regularly on weekend taking me out for outing or sending me stuffs from my mom. but on my 16th birthday, my mom came, along with my grandmothers, tokhajjah and maktok. she brought me an ice cream cake, which suprised me and also its my first time eating an ice cream cake. i thought what a clever innovation, this food. extremely brilliant! i was so over the moon about it. back then there was no baskin robbin so how my mom got me that cake was absolutely amazing. i love that day. it was indeed a special birthday.</p><p>i dont remember celebrating any birthday in Uni. which suprised me because i considered my Uni life, fantastic. surely there must be a birthday that i remembered. i tried to recall my memories but nothing came out. </p><p>then after graduate from Uni, i went to work. Working life is so much fun and carefree, because i was earning and i was single. also,im living with my dad and using his car to commute to work, so im saving lotsa money. usually on weekend i went out with friends at night, dinner usually. i think on my 21st birthday, which had passed few days before i think. one night we went out for dinner, my besties and i. i was ordering or waiting the order to come when a birthday songs played in the speaker of the restaurant. my bestfriends even bought cake, with my favourite flavour, macademia nut. another, printed a banner on an a4paper saying ‘happy birthday tisha’. oh bless all my friends. i love them to bits.</p><p>when i got married, and have children, birthday have become somewhat just another day passing, a close reminder of time are running out. i also came to acknowledge my mom more on my birthday, that my existance partly because she fight her life to bring me out to this world. so mostly on my birthday myhusband and kids, we dine out, staycation, have a birthday cake. and i usuallly i sent my mom gifts or flowers on my birthday. </p><p>these are my birthday memories.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-37172038075908253872023-01-19T01:27:00.004-08:002023-01-19T01:27:42.288-08:00Learning<p>When I quit my job and move to UK and became a full time housewife, there are many times i felt down about myself. I think i have mentioned that couple of times through my blog but i never once shared my feeling personally to anyone, because im embarrased and i dont want people to look down on me. When i used to work, people dependant on my decision and opinion and that me feel wanted, important, valued and appreciated. I felt good about it. When i didnt work, i felt the opposite. Its a mind game honestly. Because if i were to tell people, they will definitely tell me that i’m doing a great job myself. Sadly i wasnt a strong minded person at that time and i refuse to think im doing great. Today, i felt how important it is, and i always give positive thoughts and cheers to my fellow friends (mom or not) because i knew how it feels. </p><p>I was so caught up with raising two kids, but when i was pregnant with my third child, my two other children went to school full time and it seems like God paves me the road to soothe my long aching heart. With some free time when the children at school, I took up the courage and enroll on a free online class. I got hooked up and I came to enroll after one another. I was free so i learnt at my own pace, and just enjoying learning new knowledge without any pressure (of passing or fail). I also went to few classes / course at the children community center. It seems like gaining new knowledge through all these classes made me feel invaluable to myself and community. Above all, i felt good about myself. </p><p>Then my third was born and i dive back into full gear motherhood. Then all i know 5 years passed and i had my fourth. I didnt take up any lesson since my third was born so i took up reading to accomodate my hunger for knowledge. I bought tonnes of books, read through all genres - biography, thrill, chick lit, history, non fiction etc.. turned out i love fiction/non-fiction history.</p><p> Last year it hit me that im soon going into 40s and i always wanted to do some more learning and figuring it out what i want to learn. I decided to learn arabic. But here’s the thing. Learning new thing is always intimidating, at least for me (also that the very late age). Even back then, I remembered feeling anxious about enrolling to classes / course, meeting new faces, taking notes etc. When i got my first job (also the last one), i knew absolutely nothing about automotive but somehow i managed to catch up prettty quick. So since then Ive been feeding my mind that yes, i am a quick learner. But years passed, and im no longer young, would i still be a quick learner that i used to be? That - became my blocking wall. That intimidating, toxic thoughts overpower my confidence, self esteem, basically all over myself. </p><p>Upon writing this, i have succesfully enrolled for the semester. I have yet to start the class but everyday, is a jiggle feeling for me. Im excited but also anxious. I hope 2023 will bring the best out of me. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-57068941614491530142023-01-02T06:54:00.002-08:002023-01-02T06:54:24.501-08:002023hello new year. here’s what i have in mind for 2023.<div><br /></div><div>1. to enroll arabic short course. </div><div>2. less spending, more saving. i dont know how to less spending but i target to save rm5k by end year.</div><div>3. ganti puasa 20 days.</div><div><br /></div><div>that’s all folks! lets roll 2023 like we never did before!</div>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-11383289990987318752022-12-21T05:33:00.001-08:002022-12-21T05:33:35.934-08:00ending 2022what a roller coaster month. it all started with a ‘vacation’ in a hospital to accompany ilhan due to prolong cough. just yesterday i saw a post in instagram said ‘you ever just hope for a small medical emergency with a short hospital stay to give you a break on life for a bit?’ i laughed at it because that was what i wished for desperately on some days. <div><br /></div><div>then went back home for one week recovery then i drove back to kulim with all my kids (i know, insane). spent 5 days there then drove back to shah alam midweek. kids will continue for school holiday programme at the local mosque so im going to busy myself with housework, groceries and attending to ihsan and ilhan. </div><div><br /></div><div>next week, we are planning to go to johor for 4 days and be back before new year.</div><div><br /></div><div>next year going to be lots of fun, so much planning to much to look forward. pray that it all goes well.</div><div><br /></div><div>adios 2022.</div>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-14285279598572221242022-12-15T03:13:00.002-08:002022-12-15T03:13:41.150-08:00kuliah dhuha<p> today i learnt something very valuable from kuliah dhuha. here’s a key that i remembered from it.</p><p><br /></p><p>di manakah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita? adakah saat kita menerima anugrah atau pujian dari bos? saat kita melahirkan anak2? saat percutian berbulan madu bersama pasangan? saat terbaik di dalam hidup kita adalah di mana kita hanya mengharapkan pada Tuhan Yang Esa dan saat itu tiada apa melain Dia yang dapat memberi apa yang kita mahukan, itu adalah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita. saat itu, kita berpaling dari dunia yang tidak dapat memberi sedikit apa pun… dan kita seluruhnya bergantungan pada Allah, memohon, meminta, bertawakal dan redha dgn Nya. itu adalah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-82208416869464931742022-12-07T23:29:00.001-08:002022-12-07T23:44:09.596-08:00blessing in disguiseday 4 at the hospital. <div><br /><div>i didnt get enough sleep. the pillow is too hard, my neck hurt. room was too cold i was shivering.i had to neb him every 4 hours and thats a battle. everytime i try to nurse him to sleep, the nurse came to take the temperature, giving out medicine and what not - so i had to start nursing all over again. but at least i dont have to prep the medicine. he had blocked nose, i handed him to the nurse to clear the nose. i dont have to do it on my own struggling with a wailing refused child (the neb is enough for me to deal with thank you). i dont have to clean the nasal aspirator, which is a blessing!</div><div><br /></div><div>but. for 4 days too.</div><div><br /></div><div>4 days i didnt do the laundry. i dont have piles of laundry to fold. i didnt cook, so i dont sweat so i didnt bother to even shower yesterday (tho my hair now oily because i didnt wash my hair for 4 days now). 4days, i didnt have to think what to eat. even great, foods come to me 4 times a day! i dont have to clean up the house. i didnt do the dishes 4 times a day (even if im not cooking!)</div><div><br /></div><div>i dont want to say out loud that i enjoyed my stay here because whatever it is, im here because my child is sick and NO MOM want her child to get sick. but honestly its a blessing in disguise. i didnt believe myself that i would say this nor its fair for me to say this, because even within this hospital, there’s lot more children that is sicker than mine, more worrying sleepless parent than me. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>i do felt guilty leaving my other children at home in the care of other family member. i felt guilty that my husband had to take care of everything at home despite his very busy schedule and workload at the office. but for this 4 days. 4 days. i tried to not be one. the children asking about me? well its ok. they/ll see me soon. you have work? well, im sorry that u had to go to work. i didnt say out loud (tho i wish i did), but thats what ive been telling myself. instead of feeling guilty, i said, ok. alright. well so it seems. why? i didnt plan for this ‘vacation’ nor i plan my child to get sick. so? why should i felt guilty.</div><div><br /></div><div>and so, its a blessing in disguise.</div><div><br /></div>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-17232711507550144212022-12-05T23:04:00.002-08:002022-12-05T23:04:58.422-08:00Unwell<p>it seems like the sick baton keep on passing from one family member to another. this time, ilhan got sick. he was coughing for weeks and i decided to bring him to doctor when i saw his breathing was irregular than it used to be. that lead on to us admitted to hospital. he was a bit chesty and need frequent treatment. i was being extra cautious as this was something new to me. before ihsan non of my children got cough to the point it affected their breathing. so when people asked me is it bad? i dont know what bad is? is bad means your childs turning blue and couldnt even breath properly? or bad as it was a prolong cough he was chesty and he was breathing rapidly than normal but rest assured he was an active child. i couldnt make a word to answer it properly. but my decision to bring him to see the doctor was not just my fully mother instinct but also a textbook information on early sign warning to look at a sick child. of course not all will understand this unless you are a mother. but that was it.</p><p>of course going to the hospital is not an easy solution. whether because my children are sick or me going to labour, going away for a few days and leaving my other children, is always an issue to us. one had to work nonetheless, and one had to care for other children. a sick child is worrying but what i wish for despite the sickness that granted upon us, Allah will also granted us other thing, sabr, rezq and most impotantly Allah bring all family member closer than before, not taking things for granted and appreciate each other more. </p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-8515616548809024282022-11-13T01:06:00.004-08:002022-11-13T01:06:56.384-08:0038i was on day 4, from the first day i started to get sick. it wasnt an easy recovering process. i woke up feeling sluggish but had to get up anyway. i look in the mirror and noticed my grey hair getting more and more apparent. i had no time to study my own sick pale face. i had to shower before ilhan get up. i remind myself to wash my hair that morning. the hair conditioner labels said to apply on wet hair for at least 5 minute. who got time for that? probably kim kardashian. 5 minutes is my total time in the bathroom, in and out. <div><br /></div><div>i was sick for 5 days when writting this. wednesday was the worst. i had fever, sore throat, migrain, body ache, cough and blocked nose. my covid test came negative for all three days that i have tested. i read somewhere that the new mutation virus could came out negative but still gives you the same symptom and would spread even faster. probably why ilhan got cough the very next day i got it.</div><div><br /></div><div>i was grateful that my husband could work from home since wednesday. i was too tired to do anything. one point, i wish my mom could come fly over here and take care of me. me. a mom. at this age of 38 still wishing a for a mom to take care of me. i guess its true enough, you will always need your mom. not matter what you age. now i know growing up is very scary. today, i’m able to call my mom when i get sick, to get comfort words. there’ll be time, i cannot call her anymore and what are left with, just a memory of those comfort words she used to tell. </div>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-71030589535472215192022-07-29T17:59:00.000-07:002022-07-29T17:59:08.374-07:00Motherhood<p> Few nights ago, i was feeling pretty upset. My baby had a hard time to get to sleep and my other toddler just wanted me. When i finally get to put the baby to sleep, I went down for dinner thinking that my toddler came down with me. But he was not. He was actually still in the room with the baby, sulking that I went down without him. I was so mad that I had to put the baby sleep again. I yelled him to get out of the room and i broke in tears doing so. For yelling, and for having to put the baby to sleep again. When i nursed my baby to sleep in that dark room, i said to myself, motherhood suck. Motherhood. suck.</p><p>That was that night.</p><p>Yesterday, I played football with my toddler. His sweetest and cheeky smile. I dont need to elobrate more on that day but motherhood was wonderful! I’d do it all over again if i can.</p><p>Having a new baby at this age, 3 more children to look after on top of that, it really shoved me to the edge. I have more burnt out days and nights, not to mention my sleep deprived and body aching. It constantly bugging my mental health too these days. I try hard to stay strong and be in a positive and encouraging circle of friends. When that done, at the end, im back to crying baby. These days all im hearing is a baby crying. It constantly ringing in my ear. </p><p>Everyday, i said, they were all growing up. I’ll just have to bear with it now and be patient. But im missing a lot too. Many times, they went on without me. Why? Because mama has to take care of the baby. and that’s very lonely i think. for being left out. Because sometimes i think, why cant we all togather take care of the baby? But most time. thats not the case.</p><p>sincerely,</p><p>mother of four.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-14382474720437134932022-06-06T20:15:00.001-07:002022-06-06T20:15:21.679-07:00Confinement<p>10 more days before i end my confiment period which is 44 days in total. Malay confinement rules is very strict and full of pass over tradition, which some doesnt even make sense. Over the years i’ve practiced some under my mom’s care, which can be very very strict as she has gone through the same when she was cared by her mom too. </p><p>Due to my dad’s surgery, my mom had to come a bit later after i gave birth so i hired a confinement lady from my friend’s recomendation and she was good. In fact she did all extra work without being asked for. There’s pro and cons and some way a bit different from what my mom would have done. She started her day at 9 am so I’ll sort myself out before she came. (She prepared the herbal bath the day before for me). I showered and eat breakfast myself (usually a toast with hot drink - something easy that me and husband can prepared). When she came, she showered the baby and when she’s done, she will massage me. When all ends at around 11-12, she will go downstairs and cooked lunch (that would be my dinner too to be reheated later in the evening). She went home when i finished my lunch and cleaned and washed in the kitchen, around 1pm ish. We also did sauna, tangas, pilis, param some other day which is my first time (as i never did with my mom before).</p><p>When my mom arrived, things adjusted slightly different. 7am, she came and bring me my breakfast. Then she went down to prep my massage stone. Then i did tungku (massage) myself for about 30-40 minutes around the tummy, legs and foot, while, she showered the baby. She will bring down the baby and bottle fed him. I finished off myself and showered and rest until lunch time /until next feeding. Then i came down for lunch when its ready. For dinner, she will make a freshly cook rice (the rice is never to be reheat - always cook a new one).</p><p>The diet between my mom and the confinement lady also is slightly different. Once the confinement lady cook me a dish with egg tauhu and suhun and rice for dinner was reheated from lunch, which my mom never approved of. For the confiment lady (and most of them), siakap, ikan merah, or salmon is fine. But my mom insisted that only certain fish can be eaten during confinement - ikan gelama, ikan kerisi, ikan grut grut, which i had to bought online.</p><p>Benkung or tummy wrap and socks is a must to wear all the time. But i sometimes take them out especially during the end of the day as it is getting hotter. My mom also told me not to use the AC and the fan must be on low speed. She insisted that everything i did or eat - must be in warm/hot. hot drink, warm food, warm room, warm shower. she even insisted that i only bath once a day (which i cannot obey because its too hot and uncomfortable to go to bed without shower).</p><p>Although the confinement lady was less strict than my mom, i still longed for her care everytime i go through confinement. Nothing is ever the same than mom’s care. But as much as i love her care, i still want the confinement period to end as soon as possible LOL.</p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-11260255832014076132022-05-23T01:40:00.001-07:002022-05-23T01:40:24.654-07:002022. Checked In.<p> 4 years later.</p><p>I just gave birth on 5th of May 2022. A beautiful baby boy we named Ilhan. I in my confiment period now, all of a sudden i was thinking of my old dusty blog. Does it still exist? Can’t believe my latest post was in 2018. That was ancient!</p><p>But im glad i opened it and found my mojo to typing around something about my life. Today was my 15th day? This time due to unforeseen event (my dad fell off from his bicycle and had a surgery so both he and mom cancelled their plan to come here to take care of me after birth). So my parent in law came in instead and to help around, i hired a confinement lady. My first time. Alhamdulillah she was good in her work. In fact she was beyond of what she should do. The other day, she cleaned my bathroom floor. However, i still missed my parent and although my mom is the most strict confinement lady ever exist across the universe, i still longed for her care. I cannot wait for them to come over this weekend until the rest of my confinement period. </p><p>I have aged since 2018. Im 38 this year but my mood swing worse than a teenager. Hence, as Irfan turned 10 last two weeks, I thought to myself, he’s going into pre-teens phase and i should be more mature and be ready to deal with his pre-teens stuff. lucky me he’s a boy so i expect less drama. izyan should be on the other hand. Even now at the age of 8, she’s like the pre-teen. she slammed the door, said urgh, fine!, she is so delicate that sometimes im scared that i mess it up. so id rather breathe in and let he deal her emotion for a while. </p><p>so much i wanted to write right now but i guess i must take a break. catching up from 4 years ago might take too long. see you in next blog.</p><p><br /></p>Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-17962861020318405532019-09-20T10:46:00.000-07:002019-09-20T10:46:32.451-07:00BloggingMe again. Two entry in a night. Wow. Just wow. What caffein can do to you.<br />
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After finished the post previously, I read back some of my blog post, years back, even the first. 2015. A letter to my 40 old self, wrote by a 31 year old me. Read by a 35 year old me. How charming.<br />
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I've started blogging years before 2015, probably 2007? I deleted it for some reason. I don't have too many audience anyway, just for my comfort for writing. And it still is today. I love reading my own words. Sometimes, my minds works too hard that I need a space to pour it out somewhere. Hence, the blogspace.<br />
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I thought of deleting it again. Who do blogs these days? Who READ blogs these days? People goes into Video Blogs now. Vlog. How millennial. I hope people don't forget words. Words. I think words are form of arts. One word can gives a lot of meaning. <br />
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Anyway, I may not be deleting my blog. Not at least until I turn 40. I would love to read that letter to my 40 year old self, again. Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-55225718200066678792019-09-20T10:22:00.002-07:002019-09-20T10:22:32.997-07:00Izyan's PreschoolIts 1 a.m and the caffeine kicked in. I.cannot.sleep. And I have early morning appointment at Izyan's potential preschool tomorrow. My mind been buzzing on what school will she be in next year. I am spoil with so many choices around and choosing the best is surely going to be a challenge. This is the first time I had to make decision on choosing school, after our application to government preschool was turned down, even after appeal. So we had to find other option. Izyan's been off from school for so long and I know she is so looking forward for next year.<br />
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I personally had so many expectation for the school but I know cannot be too choosy. I hope I will not be disappointing too much from all these preschool hunting. We will choose the best school that works not just for her but for our family too.<br />
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What do you look for in choosing school? The facilites, the hours, or the learning methods?<br />
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May Allah ease our journey. For He knows best. <br />
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<br />Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-16106964029887127502019-08-22T00:06:00.002-07:002019-08-22T00:06:57.528-07:00Be presentFew days ago, I was having a little argument with my brother when he came to question what is my job (referring that I am a housewife). Rather than give him quite a list of my 'work' out of feeling offended, I thought my safest answer would be 'what ever our mom did when we were little'. Little did I know, he was being such a jerk by saying oh she's working and there's a helper around. Is that the only thing u remembered? That was when we were a toddler. Not even three years old, i think. And the helper was only with us for a few years only. My mom eventually stop working when I was 9 years old and became a full time housewife since then. Heck, I could list 1000 things she did in a heartbeat! Although I'm pretty sure that he said it out of anger towards me being provocative, and that i shouldn't be bother by it, it hurts my feeling as hell. But, as much as he hurts me, he must have hurt my mom the most (as she was reading all our conversation and i felt really bad that my intention to be provocative towards him had already done emotion damage to my parent, too). Eventually, we had the argument passed.<br />
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Yesterday, while I was cleaning up the mess after lunch, and we were actually running a bit late but I couldn't bear leaving the dining table in mess because we are going somewhere after school run, Irfan told me hurry up and that we are going to be late. Then it hit me. What if - that he wont remember any of this? Any of my effort - I cook, fed them, clean the mess, scrubs the floor and then drive him to school. What if he only remembers the time that I left him with a babysitter when he was merely one year old?<br />
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That 20 minutes drive to school, I couldn't get my mind off this 1001 questions of what if. Should i get back to work? What if he actually hates being sent to school by his mom? It made me mad! After I left Irfan at school, sometime i quietly pray in my heart all the good things for him when he was at school. AND THEN, i realized. Instead of having a conversation with my son in that 20 minute car drive, i went nuts thinking the uncertain thing. I shouldn't! I should embrace PRESENT. BE present. Indulge in PRESENT. Captured the MOMENT. Because in 20 years time, heck if he don't remember of this, I would. I would and I must feel content at that time, for I have fulfilled my JOB and for that I have made effort, time and energy doing what I should do.<br />
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I think that is why I'm being too sentimental about things. Id keep things even the lousiest art my children made, I made photobooks, I made scrapbook of their learning journey, made the first year book, heck i even sew a blanket out of their baby clothes! Because I was too afraid that I might not be remembered, loved, liked, and cared like i felt right now. I must admit, I am not a good daughter so yes,most of all, I'm afraid God would punished me for not being a wonderful daughter. I was hoping I could turn to these sentimental things i kept to hold on to it, should i be needing it. Now that i write it, that would be a sad way to spent my remaining life! LOL<br />
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Regardless you are working or you are staying home, we need to be present. Enjoy the moment, and feel glad about it. Making memories not only for them.But for you. <br />
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<br />Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-26031103380076724432019-07-16T00:31:00.000-07:002019-07-16T00:31:05.615-07:00BeginningI failed to transfer my 8933 pictures from my phone to my ageing laptop. I don't know why but it seems like Photo did not recognised my phone. Truth is, my MacBook is 10 years old now. For a computer, he's old citizen. Since I couldn't transfer all my photo, I tried other app, Safari. Then I look up the most frequently visited page - my blog. SO DUSTY (virtually). Might as well update a little bit although who else read blog these days. People rather browse through 10 igstories to read a whole nagging or bragging of the day, don't we? But I'll write anyway. The sound of the keypad seems like therapeutic at the moment.<br />
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Been back in Malaysia since Jan this year so that has been 6months ish. Alhamdulillah, just last week, Izzal got a job so I have been back on my own running the house and doing school run. Its tiring as usual. I find times goes even faster since then. I cannot believe that Ihsan turning ONE next month. I have been home and I have seen, watch and learn about the kids all days seconds day in life but still I find that I'm still missing it somewhere. Like, how did you learn to climb the the slide? And even goes down by himself? I remembered teaching him once. He must have practices doing it while I'm busy doing something else (which is very dangerous! climb a slide without assistance!). And that made me think, I'm so lucky that nothing bad has happened when he's on his own. If so, I would feel so bad because I am home, I did not work, and I guess I do somehow put pressure on myself to blame if I'm not able to fulfil a job as a mother, like feeding them with not a home cook meal, not playing with them, saying no when they asked me to play with them, etc etc.<br />
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Anyway, overall, its not bad. I do miss life in London especially the school run and i love the school there (although I'm not the one attending it but I do love the teachers and the school. the environment is different). But, life is okay now. Would I want more? Maybe but I think I'm enough for now. My husband taking care of us nicely, irfan's enjoying school, sun and rain, family that I can talk and see them anytime.<br />
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I guess that's all about now. Till next post (in gazillion years time lol)<br />
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xxTishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-66775417151242883352018-12-06T04:15:00.002-08:002018-12-06T04:15:33.217-08:00MovingThe decision was made merely a month ago. I must say its quite sudden and my heart almost not prepared by it. I wanted to go back but not as in settling in. I felt that with the new baby in the family, I would want to stay longer for his sake. But, we never here for the kids. We are here for my husband. And he's done with it, so we must follow. <div>
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As I started to packs our stuffs, I began to feel excited for another new beginning. Irfan will go to Primary School, Year 1. We need to find Izyan a play school and I'm quite nervous to think that she won't be in the same school with Irfan. Ihsan will stay with me. I will be a full-time housewife again but in a new surrounding. Adapt is a keyword. I don't know how housewife's life in Malaysia would be like but I had in mind that it'll be tougher especially timing wise. And the fact that our place is just far from everything is not helping too. I had a feeling that we'd be rushing here and there. Izzal need to find a job. pronto.</div>
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We'll missed the crazy, unpredictable weather here, no matter how much we complaint. But I'll welcome the sunshine and rain, still. You know what peaceful to me? I remember this a lot and I can imagine it right now. Storm and heavy rains in the evening in my huge bedroom. The kind of weather that dozed you away in your dreamland. But, I don't like if the electricity went out. That just creep me out especially when the house is empty and big. </div>
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I'll be waiting the moment when the pilot said, for Malaysian, welcome home. </div>
Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-56417460773434388822018-10-14T11:43:00.000-07:002018-10-14T11:43:11.465-07:00Mother of 3The title basically summarise of almost a whole year of hiatus. I can't believe the last time I wrote was in January. What did I do the rest of the year? It is almost end of 2018! Anyway, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ihsan last July. My parent came down for almost 2 months to take care of me. Izyan went to Reception and Irfan in Year 2. Since most of my Malaysian neighbours have gone back for good, I made some friends with new moms at kids school and they were very nice. I completed 2 online course. Izzal now a researcher at Imperial College and we'll be staying here in UK until 2020. <div>
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The other day I was thinking of setting up a new blog. You know, just to start it all over again, - again. But I couldn't come up with a good blog name so I'll just stick with this one at the moment. I love writing and pouring my thoughts, idea, feeling in words. I think they were much more understood rather than me talking. Or maybe I love typing. See, I'm a good typist. Or rather a fast one. I can type without looking at the keyboard and make almost no spelling mistake. I used to have journal but my handwriting is so bad and they always not consistent so I hate it. </div>
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I don't have anymore random thing to jot down. So I'll see you in a few months. </div>
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Or maybe next year.</div>
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Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-948901935637169342018-01-17T02:32:00.001-08:002018-01-17T02:32:23.404-08:002018Wow, my last post was like 4 months ago. There have been lots going on since then.<br />
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1. Kids settled down at school. And yes, I've been 'nurturing' myself very well since I got a few hours to myself in the morning. So many of my checklist has been ticked. Went to breakfast at the cafe, went shopping, relaxing and chilling at home just watching TV or surfing internet, wandering around central London by my self, have a quick lunch or meet up with husband, window shopping at the mall........ Basically, I've been doing lotsa things when kids at school. Life. Is. Great.<br />
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2. October was the busiest and it went by without me realising it. Mainly because my sister and my parent came visit. So we spent time going here and there. My parent stayed for over a month and we even went to Switzerland for holiday. So nice.<br />
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3. When my family went back to Malaysia, I started to fill in my time with taking up some few online courses - Online Business Course, Understanding Autism and also went to 10 weeks Nurturing Programs at the Community Centre. I went to Baby First Aid Training. I was so glad that I finally took up the courage to learn something new. It wasn't easy to get a head start to do something that is so different with what you used to do, but I am so grateful that I found the right person, the right source and finally triggered my own motivation and determination to do such things.<br />
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4. Husband finally graduating and completed his PHD. A huge relieved. Phew. And now he embarked on another new journey and hopefully all of us get through with it just like we've done before.<br />
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3. Lotsa friends has been going back to Malaysia for good. We bid farewell to too many people these few months. Sad.<br />
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Then, its new year. At the moment, we are still here for another year. We had a fair good start and hopefully the vibes continues as we go through the end year, which still a very long way to go.<br />
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To 2018!<br />
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<br />Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-45468063635616286492017-09-18T13:11:00.001-07:002017-09-18T13:11:49.423-07:00free momIzyan now on her second weeks at school and not a day goes by that she didn't enjoy it. She can be seen unzipping her jacket and hang it on the hook with her name on it along with her backpack. She quickly say 'bye ma!' and then quickly made her way to the kitchen play area, her favourite place. i had to call her back so i can kiss before leaving the school. And she's only three. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one with this overwhelmed feeling of kids starting school especially for young kids like Izyan.<br />
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So far, I haven't gone anywhere far when she's at school. Since she's still in a settling period I think that I should be around near in case she's upset at school and needed to be pick up instantly. So I've only been to the nearest local supermarket and the community center. Often I met someone who recognised me and Izyan, asking about how Izyan's doing at school and how much they could not believe that she's starting school and they said 'oh so you are a free mom now?' , followed by 'how exciting!'<br />
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Free mom. I dont know till how long. But i will cherish this moment as much as i can. You'll never know when another one will pop out of you!<br />
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<br />Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-55134302279570802402017-09-15T11:05:00.000-07:002017-09-15T11:05:47.435-07:00FriendsSome people take friendship, sometimes, pretty serious than a relationships with family. Don't you think? Like, upset when you friends dont remember your birthday. Or dont make an effort to meet up with you when she was around the area. Or making plans with 'other' friends without inviting you. Long time ago, (shame on me), I used to be that kind of friend. Today, I am so glad that I was on another perspective about friendship, in more positive way.<br />
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Friend, according to Google is, a person with whom one has a mutual affection, typically one exclusive or sexual or family relations. Now, Affection, according to Google is, a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.<br />
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I like Suzi because she is funny. She didnt tell me that her dog passed away. She is still funny. So is she still my friend or not?<br />
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I like Ahmad because we both like fishing. He didnt tell me that me was around the mall near my house shopping for fishing stuffs. He still likes fishing. Is he still my friend?<br />
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I like Amina because we both love make ups. She invited her officemate for a lauching party of a make up product. She still likes make up. Is she still my friend?<br />
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Here's the point - I recalled someone said, a real
friendship dont have to be selfish. The one that make you possesive is
insecurities. If you want loyal, get a dog not a friend. LOL<br />
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These days, the friendship is taken to another level. You gotta know their birthdays, their families, their liking and sort, have to be invitied to all the gathering he/she host and have to join all the gathering that you host. Guess what, you are not 7 years old, so grow up! BUT - I also doesnt say that it is wrong for as long there's MUTUAL affection. If one doesnt feel the same way like you do, then, its OKAY! He/She is still the same person that you like in the first place to be call a friend.<br />
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If i didnt see/talk to you everyday, it doesnt mean that i dont try to make the effort of doing so. If i didnt share certain news with you, it meant that it is very personal to me. If i forget your birthday, doesnt mean you are not my friend. It could be that, or it could be that he/she thought you are not his/her friend LOL so calm down, get a grip, go find another friend. There's plenty more who can appreciate your shit.<br />
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<br />Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-64809665660460453562017-07-29T13:39:00.004-07:002017-07-29T13:39:44.012-07:00In summer planIts summer school holiday. Its been a week now but the weathers are all gloomy and raining. So much of summer break. But, lucky enough, we get a bit of sunshine today, when i took the kids out for dentist appointment and then to the nearby park.<br />
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Its been pretty busy for husband who is now in writting stage. All i pray is for him to get all the motivations and ideas flowing while he is at it. I know its hard to not see or spent time with the kids. But, all for good reasons that we pray that its all worth it. And because of that God gives me a whole time in the world for my kids, right from they open their eyes in the morning to when they close their eyes at night to sleep. Who am i to complaint, when all mothers in the world would gives anything to switch place with me. All i gotta do is, as much as i want to get to bed early, i try to stay awake after i put them to bed. So i can sit on the couch, turn on the tv, and eat a chocolate. Or simply read a few pages of books. So that im able to say - on day to day basis, im good.<br />
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On the other note, i had this idea to take up some online course since both kids are going to school this September. I thought that maybe i should learn something, cert-wise. Online course seems practical for me because i only get free time 9am-3pm (school hours). I had quite an argument with my mom who insisted that i continue study in engineering. Im quite torn in between my wish and her hope. And honestly it made me nervous and scared to move to the next step thinking that she would not approve it. But come to think of it, this was not the first time. When i took up engineering instead of biology in secondary school, i think she was a bit upset. I tried to apply for architecture degree course in Uni, although she was against it. I couldnt get through though but satisfied enough with engineering. I told her that this was just a short course, like taking a yoga or sewing class. Truth is, im not intend to go into engineering anymore. I think my passion and interest had move on to other area.
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Not to say that i dont like engineering. It used to be my passion. I enjoyed throughout my degree (though most subjects are pain in the ass). I enjoyed my work as a design engineer. My job took me around the world and i am forever grateful for that experience. Would i want more of it? Maybe. Maybe not. Mostly not, at the moment. But i dont think its wrong to change in your environment or career. Just long as u enjoyed it.<br />
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Well anyway, thats the plan. And i have to make up my decision quick as september will just come in a blink. Wish me luck.Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-91850496401697762892017-07-09T07:53:00.002-07:002017-07-09T07:56:32.169-07:00DeathHow we die, reflect on how we live. I heard, or read that quote somewhere. Tapi ajal dan jodoh itu rahsia Tuhan. So how can we human presume the lifestyle of someone by how she/he die? All by mercy of Him.<br />
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Here's the truth, i've been constantly thinking about death since my grandmother died. Just like any sinner, im hell scared of dying. To the point im being so overreacting. When i get a massive headache i thought im gonna die because i got brain tumor. When im travelling i thought that im gonna die of accidents. When i got pain in my stomach i thought im gonna die of kidney malfunction. When i got nose blocked, i thought i will die in my sleep due to lack of air to breathe. I'm starting to be paranoid than ever.<br />
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When my grandmother was alive during her last two weeks, i used to came by her bed everyday and when she's sleeping i watched her chest up and down breathing in air all she could. She told me 'i'll be gone soon'. I always thought she'll recover. Never once, i came back to be expecting that she'll be gone. Looking back, i wonder, what was she felt at the time. Is she scared? Sad? In peace?<br />
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Life is too short. So buy that damn shoes.<br />
Life is too short. Just eat the cake. Diet later.<br />
Life is too short. Just go booked the flight ticket.<br />
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Life is indeed too short. Too short to waste on a flight ticket, cakes or even a pair of damn shoes. Life is too short that you should start forgive people, love people around you and spent every seconds with your child.<br />
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I hope that every seconds in my life, i'll be reminded of these.<br />
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Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-77356948517684331502017-05-18T08:39:00.002-07:002017-05-18T08:39:43.520-07:00may babiesThis year we don't host any birthday party for the kids but they had series of celebration. The first was with my brother in law's family who came visit. The second was Izyan's birthday, which she celebrated at the Stay and Play Session and at home. Then Irfan's birthday, which he celebrated at school and at home as well. Dont ask how much cakes I made and how much we ate. Enough to say that quota cake semua dah habis guna this month so I have to wait for next month pula. Good thing Ramadhan is just around the corner, so I had the chance to sugar diet (hopefully).<br />
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My sister and my dad also are celebrating their birthday on 7th and 18th of may respectively. We never had the chance to make a huge may birthday party, yet. And I wish we will get the opportunity soon, InshaAllah.<br />
<br />Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2501870819830753861.post-16595351021070126992017-05-11T09:02:00.001-07:002017-05-11T09:02:15.074-07:00just (hanya)Izyan's going to school this September. While waiting for that, I have been giving myself a lot of thoughts about what I want to do, in my life. Since I left my jobs almost 4 years ago, I don't know if I should go back to work in the same field. I've worked for almost 7 years. My job is tough but I love it and I kept going (I could have left) because I have the passion of what I did. I've only quit because I had to prioritise my family. So, yes, I love my job but do I still have the passion? I told my mom about my plan and she told me to take up something that related to my field. She's referring to my engineering field , that <b>I</b> used to work in. But, maybe I'm on the different field now mom. <div>
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Being a housewife for almost 4 years now, honestly, it did bring down my self esteem. I don't know how to describe it but I think thats the word that suit what I felt right now. When I used to work, people used to ask me about my opinion and my decision and I felt wanted and important. Some comes from miles to get my signature for approval or wait for weeks to set appointment with me. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home too. I mean, yeah sometimes my kids asked if they could play outside and can only go out if I said yes or my husband asked if we should buy the new dishes dryer or asked me to plan for spring holiday or what should everybody wear today for outing. I do feel wanted and important - but only in my own home. Apart from signing on receiving parcel, I signed approval to allow Irfan goes on a school trip to the zoo. When I'm out, I was nobody but - just a housewife. Do I make decisions about the world? Not really although I should write the mayor about the rude bus driver who won't stop even when I pressed the bell. </div>
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Sometimes my husband asked me to meet him for lunch at his university's cafe, I went along dragging my feet like there's some big steel ball chained to it. I felt all eyes on me when I push the buggy and a toddler trotting beside me, like 'who's is this lady with some kids doing in the university?'. Reality is, nobody damn care about me. But I felt like so bad about myself that I was not someone that changing the whole world. I am just a housewife. I hate the word just the housewife. When there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, I felt like <b>I</b> was all wrong in it. So the issue here is not the world nor other housewives but purely just the crazy me. </div>
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So I have to fix that. Very quick. And not let it escalated to something even more danger. Ok that sounds too serious. </div>
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For now, let just hope my plan all. goes. well.</div>
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Tishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04742808733356051737noreply@blogger.com0