23.02.16

It has been more than a week since she's gone. She was not really a chatty person but, the house does feel empty without her. I must have thought of her too much that she came into my dream last night. Looking well and healthy.

My sisters had gone back to their own place. Resuming their life routines. If not of the kids, I would feel devastated by the emptiness left in this house. On second thought, I was too selfish to be thinking that. Imagine my parent when we left for London end of this month.

Maktok always said, she missed her grandchildrens. That my rooms always smell like me and the kids. So she came into my room once in a while. Now, I did the same. To her room. Yes, I missed her and grief whenever I thought of her. But I also dont want the sadness to overcome myself. The house. The room.

The next day was my youngest sister's birthday. We thought she might be too sad to celebrate, but anyway, we did bought her a cake and called a few family members to join for lunch. She shared the room with maktok. That night, she was ready to go to sleep, my dad came in and asked if she really wanted to sleep there. She said ok. 'Betoi? Hang tak takot ka?'. Thanks Abah -_-" My sister quickly pack her pillows and sleep in my parent's room. LOL

If you see my family, you'll see how quickly we moved on. But I know, in our heart, that we always thought of her. Apart from that one occasion, we only talk about funny and good thing of her. Like the slipper she used to wear around the house. I always curi-curi pakai when she's not using it. Then she'll be grunting when its gone. My sister told me not wear it (she said its like hearing maktok walking around the house by the sound of flipping and flopping of the slipper), i said i like it so i will wear it. Its like now i dont have to argue with her anymore to wear this slipper. I don't mean to sound bad but i guess it is just the way we are coping with the sadness, casually.

My grandmother, of all her life, is a very healthy person except that two weeks before she died. In her 70s, she still doing laundry, dishes, and even making ketupat pulut every Raya. She can travel back and forth Kulim-KL with us. She can go outside and read newspaper. So,to come home that day watching her lying down unable to stand on her own is a feeling that i cannot even describe. As much as i am sad to watch her in that condition, I thank Allah for He does not prolong that, for He know, me or my family might not be able to cope with it.

Its true, in any way, that Allah's test for those who can bear it. Either those who suffer the pain. Or the one who watches it.


Hanya dari Engkau kami datang dan kepada Engkau kami kembali, ya Allah.

Che Gayah Binti Arifin

(1933-2016)