summer

we just came back from summer trip in lake district last few days. despite the weather, it was a fun trip. and tiring too. 3 full bags of laundry waiting for us post-vacay. it took my husband half day to do the laundry and more than 30 minutes for me to fold them. phew.

i straight away uploading all the pictures into the computers and started doing the photobook. I enjoy doing them. and i think i'm getting better at it haha.

another one week before the summer holiday ends. and the house will be just two of us, per daily. irfan will start the reception on 6th september oh how time flies. he's such a big and charming boy. i still cuddle him tight and suffocates him with my kisses. Izyan, oh how do i start with her. this cheeky little girl. she surprised me with lots of things. new words, new skills and her smiles oh makes me pinch her cheeks so hard because she's so cute.

my children. everyday they make me scream and yell and they cry and tease each other and make me go headache. but, at the end of the day, you just forget that. I cant never remember why i scream and yell at them or why they are arguing about yesterday, but i always remember why they laugh over silly things last few days.

do i miss home? yes i do. my parent both are not feeling well. my mom got sick after raya and she needed physio theraphy every single day at the hospital. my dad got tired of travelling, somehow got fainted at the mosque the other day. i feel bad and miserable not being able to attend both parent when they most needed, although i know they are well taken care of by my closest relatives and my brother who lives with them, but still, you cant help feeling bad for not being able to at least visit them.

the other day, i was quite sick that i need to lie down most time. i force myself to wake up for a prayer. i took a minute to gather my energy to stand up, just sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at the prayer mat. i sobbed silently, as i remember my grandmother. on her last few days at home. when each time i came through her bedroom door, and asked her if she would like to pray now. I assisted her to the bathroom and wipe over her wrinkle skinny face, put on her prayer clothes, over her face, nicely. i carried her by hand and body to the chair. and watched her prayed in silent. that point, when i was sitting at the edge of the bed, i wonder how much pain she must be in *sobs* when i came home, i never expected her to go that soon. i thought i came home, she felt better after seeing me, get healthy and then i go back to London. everytime i remembered of her, there are so many emotions going on in me. i hope she died knowing that i really care and love her and whatever bad things i did or said, i never meant it at all. honestly, i didnt get to bid proper goodbye to her. the day my dad sent her to the hospital, i sent her to the car, and i hugged her and said 'u'll come back its okay'. she said she dont know. her red watery eyes. her face. i remembered it SO clearly, it felt like a freeze moment. she did came home. 3 days after that. not as a living person.

its been 6 months.

al-fatihah maktok.