just (hanya)

Izyan's going to school this September. While waiting for that, I have been giving myself a lot of thoughts about what I want to do, in my life. Since I left my jobs almost 4 years ago, I don't know if I should go back to work in the same field. I've worked for almost 7 years. My job is tough but I love it and I kept going (I could have left) because I have the passion of what I did. I've only quit because I had to prioritise my family. So, yes, I love my job but do I still have the passion? I told my mom about my plan and she told me to take up something that related to my field. She's referring to my engineering field , that I used to work in. But, maybe I'm on the different field now mom. 

Being a housewife for almost 4 years now, honestly, it did bring down my self esteem. I don't know how to describe it but I think thats the word that suit what I felt right now. When I used to work,  people used to ask me about my opinion and my decision and I felt wanted and important. Some comes from miles to get my signature for approval or wait for weeks to set appointment with me. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home too. I mean, yeah sometimes my kids asked if they could play outside and can only go out if I said yes or my husband asked if we should buy the new dishes dryer or asked me to plan for spring holiday or what should everybody wear today for outing. I do feel wanted and important - but only in my own home. Apart from signing on receiving parcel, I signed approval to allow Irfan goes on a school trip to the zoo. When I'm out, I was nobody but - just a housewife. Do I make decisions about the world? Not really although I should write the mayor about the rude bus driver who won't stop even when I pressed the bell. 

Sometimes my husband asked me to meet him for lunch at his university's cafe, I went along dragging my feet like there's some big steel ball chained to it. I felt all eyes on me when I push the buggy and a toddler trotting beside me, like 'who's is this lady with some kids doing in the university?'. Reality is, nobody damn care about me. But I felt like so bad about myself that I was not someone that changing the whole world. I am just a housewife. I hate the word just the housewife. When there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, I felt like I was all wrong in it. So the issue here is not the world nor other housewives but purely just the crazy me. 

So I have to fix that. Very quick. And not let it escalated to something even more danger. Ok that sounds too serious. 

For now, let just hope my plan all. goes. well.