wake me up when september ends

i thinki now i understand that Green Day song title really mean “wake me up when september ends”. It was supposed to be month of happiness for me despite getting a year older and turning 40. It was supposed to be the most month i look forward to of all the 12 months. But now i just want to sleep of this sort of nightmare and wish that i was waken when september ends.

yes some thing happened and its painful to remember about it. its painful not because i was hurting inside but my children was affected by it too so as a mother that was the most painful thing that could ever happened to a mother, when your child is sad too.

when i was a working mom, i wanted to go home and wish i dont have to do anything else over the weekend and just be with my kid 24/7. now i am a stay at home mom, i wish that over the weekend i could have a few hours alone to myself away from the normality of the weekdays. 

im guilt as hell just thinking about that let alone saying it all aloud. i knew most people agree that we need that, but some might not agree and not understand. so where do we stand in this. how do i look forward. how do i manage? how do i stay balance in between all. how do continue on with my life with having that wishful thinking? how? is it too sinful to have a few hours alone doing what you like? or maybe im just too selfish? i dont ask for a girls trip or let alone a solo short gateway.

if what i ask is too sinful, too selfish, too hurting for you, should i apologize? should i end my wishful thinking? i should, right? because its not worth it with all that follow after.

My Lord, O Allah, You bear witness of what i feel and do, forgive me for my sins, You are Most Seeing, Most Listening.

motherhood vs marriage

mothers day coming soon. not the usual thing we celebrate in my family. and these day i dont mind not celebrating any special day, including my birthday. ive learnt over the years, that expectation will only make you lonely and sad. so i slowly learnt to celebrate myself, my own way, that can make me feel happy. anyway, mothers day got me thinking, that motherhood afterall is not difficult compared to marriage. 

motherhood needs physical courage more than emotional. if you are like tired, no amount of love can compensate that. so, your physical health must come first, then your emotional state mostly guaranteed.

but in marriage, i feel like, its almost 90% required strong emotional state. because, your love towards your spouse is not comparable with motherly love. 

so for me i think its more challenging to maintain a marriage than to maintain a motherly connection with my children. its more challenging to care a husband emotional state vs 4 children.

so, everytime i had a tiring day as a mother, i thought, ah… this better than having a slight row with my husband, so this thought always make me feel that being a busy mother of 4, is not that bad LOL

funny or not?

i just had some random (but seems very important) thought. i have been looking through some videos of students posted online by their teacher (for whatever purpose) and its kind of bothering me and i wonder if other parent felt the same too.  especially in the beginning of the school year, many teachers uploaded videos of childrens on their first day of school. some videos are funny, well mostly. but i thought, it is funny to us adult. but is it funny to them? would they find it hillarious as us adult do or do they find it embarassing. if its the latter, then we need a to look deeper on this issue.

theres one video of this teacher uploaded of a unfortunate student who dont have money to buy food at the canteen. the teacher was kind enough to give some which is heartwarming but, by displaying the student cute innocent face, i think we adult just violated his/her right for own goodness. we felt good doing it, educating adults to be more kind more aware of unfortunate students and but the child… what would he felt about it? will he be okay with it? when he grows up… would he be happy or resent it?

there’s video of embarassing moments of children at first day of school. its cute for us adult to watch. but for them? my children, always find it funny but at the same time embarassing of their own videos that i recorded without their permission (we parent always do) if  they watch it and hide or trying to block my phone so that others dont see, i take it that they dont like the videos and they were embarrassed by it, sometimes they went to the extends of  getting physical (hit the person that embarass them, fortunately they only hit siblings or mom and dad  but never outsider lol), so this matter is very a big issue to me. because sometime it could get worse. and i learnt over the years to know my limit to tease them. and in my household, we are still learning to respect each other and try to learnt the boundarings of making fun of others. and its very hard. because this family take teasing very seriously -_- and dad always involve. so educating the kids and the dad.. double work.… why cant they just be ‘not bothered’ like mummy. life is so much easier.

Birthday(s)

no one celebrating birthday today but while i was driving earlier today, i had reminisce my own birthday, which surprised me that i dont remember celebrating them much throughout my life, but only a few that i remember well.

when i was a toddler, perhaps around ihsan’s age. i remember wearing a white and yellow top, my curly wurly hair, my round cake that i shared to blow the candle with my little brother. it was a home celebration. 

when i was 12, my mom promised me that i get to have a birthday party where i can invite friends over. i was so excited. having a birthday party at that age at that time is a huge thing. i invite my friends which mostly were my neighbour. did we decorae the house? i remembered my mom made a square cake with white classic flowery pattern icing in the corner. it was my favourite, pandan cake. i recevied some birthday presents from friends, too. 

when i was 16, i went to boarding school. my mom rarely came visit me, probably busy taking care of my other siblings and the household. only my dad use to come regularly on weekend taking me out for outing or sending me stuffs from my mom. but on my 16th birthday, my mom came, along with my grandmothers, tokhajjah and maktok. she brought me an ice cream cake, which suprised me and also its my first time eating an ice cream cake. i thought what a clever innovation, this food. extremely brilliant! i was so over the moon about it. back then there was no baskin robbin so how my mom got me that cake was absolutely amazing. i love that day. it was indeed a special birthday.

i dont remember celebrating any birthday in Uni. which suprised me because i considered my Uni life, fantastic. surely there must be a birthday that i remembered. i tried to recall my memories but nothing came out. 

then after graduate from Uni, i went to work. Working life is so much fun and carefree, because i was earning and i was single. also,im living with my dad and using his car to commute to work, so im saving lotsa money. usually on weekend i went out with friends at night, dinner usually. i think on my 21st birthday, which had passed few days before i think. one night we went out for dinner, my besties and i. i was ordering or waiting the order to come when a birthday songs played in the speaker of the restaurant. my bestfriends even bought cake, with my favourite flavour, macademia nut. another, printed a banner on an a4paper saying ‘happy birthday tisha’. oh bless all my friends. i love them to bits.

when i got married, and have children, birthday have become somewhat just another day passing, a close reminder of time are running out. i also came to acknowledge my mom more on my birthday, that my existance partly because she fight her life to bring me out to this world. so mostly on my birthday myhusband and kids, we dine out, staycation, have a birthday cake. and i usuallly i sent my mom gifts or flowers on my birthday. 

these are my birthday memories.

Learning

When I quit my job and move to UK and became a full time housewife, there are many times i felt down about myself. I think i have mentioned that couple of times through my blog but i never once shared my feeling personally to anyone, because im embarrased and i dont want people to look down on me. When i used to work, people dependant on my decision and opinion and that me feel wanted, important, valued and appreciated. I felt good about it. When i didnt work, i felt the opposite. Its a mind game honestly. Because if i were to tell people, they will definitely tell me that i’m doing a great job myself. Sadly i wasnt a strong minded person at that time and i refuse to think im doing great. Today, i felt how important it is, and i always give positive thoughts and cheers to my fellow friends (mom or not) because i knew how it feels. 

I was so caught up with raising two kids, but when i was pregnant with my third child, my two other children went to school full time and it seems like God paves me the road to soothe my long aching heart. With some free time when the children at school, I took up the courage and enroll on a free online class. I got hooked up and I came to enroll after one another. I was free so i learnt at my own pace, and just enjoying learning new knowledge without any pressure (of passing or fail). I also went to few classes / course at the children community center. It seems like gaining new knowledge through all these classes made me feel invaluable to myself and community. Above all, i felt good about myself. 

Then my third was born and i dive back into full gear motherhood. Then all i know 5 years passed and i had my fourth. I didnt take up any lesson since my third was born so i took up reading to accomodate my hunger for knowledge. I bought tonnes of books, read through all genres - biography, thrill, chick lit, history, non fiction etc.. turned out i love fiction/non-fiction history.

 Last year it hit me that im soon going into 40s and i always wanted to do some more learning and figuring it out what i want to learn. I decided to learn arabic. But here’s the thing. Learning new thing is always intimidating, at least for me (also that the very late age). Even back then, I remembered feeling anxious  about enrolling to classes / course, meeting new faces, taking notes etc. When i got my first job (also the last one), i knew absolutely nothing about automotive but somehow i managed to catch up prettty quick. So since then Ive been feeding my mind that yes, i am a quick learner. But years passed, and im no longer young, would i still be a quick learner that i used to be? That - became my blocking wall. That intimidating, toxic thoughts overpower my confidence, self esteem, basically all over myself. 

Upon writing this, i have succesfully enrolled for the semester. I have yet to start the class but everyday, is a jiggle feeling for me. Im excited but also anxious. I hope 2023 will bring the best out of me. 

2023

hello new year. here’s what i have in mind for 2023.

1. to enroll arabic short course. 

2. less spending, more saving. i dont know how to less spending but i target to save rm5k by end year.

3. ganti puasa 20 days.

that’s all folks! lets roll 2023 like we never did before!

ending 2022

what a roller coaster month. it all started with a ‘vacation’ in a hospital to accompany ilhan due to prolong cough. just yesterday i saw a post in instagram said ‘you ever just hope for a small medical emergency with a short hospital stay to give you a break on life for a bit?’ i laughed at it because that was what i wished for desperately on some days. 

then went back home for one week recovery then i drove back to kulim with all my kids (i know, insane). spent 5 days there then drove back to shah alam midweek. kids will continue for school holiday programme at the local mosque so im going to busy myself with housework, groceries and attending to ihsan and ilhan. 

next week, we are planning to go to johor for 4 days and be back before new year.

next year going to be lots of fun, so much planning to much to look forward. pray that it all goes well.

adios 2022.