i thinki now i understand that Green Day song title really mean “wake me up when september ends”. It was supposed to be month of happiness for me despite getting a year older and turning 40. It was supposed to be the most month i look forward to of all the 12 months. But now i just want to sleep of this sort of nightmare and wish that i was waken when september ends.
yes some thing happened and its painful to remember about it. its painful not because i was hurting inside but my children was affected by it too so as a mother that was the most painful thing that could ever happened to a mother, when your child is sad too.
when i was a working mom, i wanted to go home and wish i dont have to do anything else over the weekend and just be with my kid 24/7. now i am a stay at home mom, i wish that over the weekend i could have a few hours alone to myself away from the normality of the weekdays.
im guilt as hell just thinking about that let alone saying it all aloud. i knew most people agree that we need that, but some might not agree and not understand. so where do we stand in this. how do i look forward. how do i manage? how do i stay balance in between all. how do continue on with my life with having that wishful thinking? how? is it too sinful to have a few hours alone doing what you like? or maybe im just too selfish? i dont ask for a girls trip or let alone a solo short gateway.
if what i ask is too sinful, too selfish, too hurting for you, should i apologize? should i end my wishful thinking? i should, right? because its not worth it with all that follow after.
My Lord, O Allah, You bear witness of what i feel and do, forgive me for my sins, You are Most Seeing, Most Listening.
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