3 years and counting

InshaAllah next year will be the final year. Nothing else i hope for other than - my husband to complete his study in flying colours. Our journey has not been decided by us. It has been written by Him. I am so glad of what we have gone through. The opportunity that came, the challenges that we faced, the happiness in each holiday - I am blessed. Nothing is permanent. Key point is, enjoy the moment. LIVE in the moment. Even in depression or sadness for you want to remember those.

I tried very hard to live in the moment. Because I am so used of thinking about future. From 'what should i do tomorrow' until 'planning your 10th anniversary'. I finished praying that day, and quickly wanted to go down and settle all my works. By the time I finished folding the sejadah, the kids came upstairs and start jumping on the bed and laughing. I could just take this opportunity to run downstairs, tidy up the mess in the living room, wash the dishes and watch my favourite malay drama, while the kids having fun in the bedroom. OR..... I could join them on the bed. I chose the later. Dishes can wait. So the mess. So the malay drama. Oh what fun it is. Laughing, looking out the window bed and watched aeroplane, train, trees and birds. Reading books. Hide and seek in the duvet. I learnt to pause my worklife so that I can enjoy such moments.

People say forgive and forget. I can easily forgive but not forget. I thought that was a bad attitude. But why not? Well this is random. Forget it *wink*

10 days after

Tomorrow Irfan is going back to school. I am anxious to start the whole same routine (despite that IT IS a routine) but excited at the same time, just because I got so much things to do, like a few sewing projects that i planned in my head and also, some book reading. I am anxious because I felt like I am not ready to 'resume' back to work LOL. Meal planning is definitely a headache to me. I hope the recipe book that I brought from Malaysia could help me deal with it.

Irfan had a new hair cut that made him look so mature and very brotherly. I missed his curls but since it'll grow, so, thats okay. Next month, both my children are going to celebrate their birthday. When I look at Izyan who will turn 2 years old next month, I thought of how small she is. Irfan was around her age when Izyan was born. Seeing Izyan, I felt pity to Irfan for having a little sister at a very young age and barely have any idea of having another sibling because I certainly cannot imagine Izyan having another younger sibling at this age. Like, I'm turning two and my birthday present is a little brother/sister. So kesian. LOL

Failing

Yesterday someone asked me about my age. She said I look young. I laughed and said, I may look young but my body is older than I am. I have deep thought about my life ahead. The 'what if'. Sometimes I think my body is failing on me. 

I once read, that a child can remember as early as he/she is 3 years old. Will Irfan remembered that i love him dearly? That I brought him to the park and we played bubbles and kicked balls yesterday? 

I was organising all my photos that i captured while we were back in Malaysia and I came across  a few that reminds me of my late grandmother. I feel so sad. When I'm gone, will my children feel sad? 

You said I talk nonsense. Nothing about i said here are nonsense. 

It. Make. Sense. 

23.02.16

It has been more than a week since she's gone. She was not really a chatty person but, the house does feel empty without her. I must have thought of her too much that she came into my dream last night. Looking well and healthy.

My sisters had gone back to their own place. Resuming their life routines. If not of the kids, I would feel devastated by the emptiness left in this house. On second thought, I was too selfish to be thinking that. Imagine my parent when we left for London end of this month.

Maktok always said, she missed her grandchildrens. That my rooms always smell like me and the kids. So she came into my room once in a while. Now, I did the same. To her room. Yes, I missed her and grief whenever I thought of her. But I also dont want the sadness to overcome myself. The house. The room.

The next day was my youngest sister's birthday. We thought she might be too sad to celebrate, but anyway, we did bought her a cake and called a few family members to join for lunch. She shared the room with maktok. That night, she was ready to go to sleep, my dad came in and asked if she really wanted to sleep there. She said ok. 'Betoi? Hang tak takot ka?'. Thanks Abah -_-" My sister quickly pack her pillows and sleep in my parent's room. LOL

If you see my family, you'll see how quickly we moved on. But I know, in our heart, that we always thought of her. Apart from that one occasion, we only talk about funny and good thing of her. Like the slipper she used to wear around the house. I always curi-curi pakai when she's not using it. Then she'll be grunting when its gone. My sister told me not wear it (she said its like hearing maktok walking around the house by the sound of flipping and flopping of the slipper), i said i like it so i will wear it. Its like now i dont have to argue with her anymore to wear this slipper. I don't mean to sound bad but i guess it is just the way we are coping with the sadness, casually.

My grandmother, of all her life, is a very healthy person except that two weeks before she died. In her 70s, she still doing laundry, dishes, and even making ketupat pulut every Raya. She can travel back and forth Kulim-KL with us. She can go outside and read newspaper. So,to come home that day watching her lying down unable to stand on her own is a feeling that i cannot even describe. As much as i am sad to watch her in that condition, I thank Allah for He does not prolong that, for He know, me or my family might not be able to cope with it.

Its true, in any way, that Allah's test for those who can bear it. Either those who suffer the pain. Or the one who watches it.


Hanya dari Engkau kami datang dan kepada Engkau kami kembali, ya Allah.

Che Gayah Binti Arifin

(1933-2016)

Address

I went to get a new Identification Card today at JPN. The guy at the counter read though the letter from Malaysian Embassy in United Kingdom stating that my purse was lost. We chatted a bit and he said 'Don't come back. Living here is just not the same anymore'. I wasn't shocked. I've heard this thousand times even before I came to London. Financially, I could understand. The other day when I went shopping at Giant for pampers, shampoo, toothbrush, a few foods for the kids, it costs me RM200 for less than 20 items. Its mind blowing.

I actually never thought of living abroad. Migrating was never an option although the idea seems exciting. I enjoyed living abroad but being away from family sometimes can be depressing. Especially when you are the type that used to see each other once in a couple of months. Not that I am the manja type. But I major love family gathering and laughing and make silly jokes over each other.

I don't know what's my next address would be. Wherever it is, I hope i can make it - my home. My. Home.

Travelling

I'm back in my home country. So excited to be here yet so sad to leave my husband in London. He's quite busy with his work that me and the kids had to come back on our own.

Journey was challenging, but manageable. Many times, people are staring at me when I was struggling and almost look like clumsy clown to keep my backpack in the upper luggage compartment. Or when I brought my two kids and squeeze ourselves in the tiny square toilet for diaper changing. Or when I pretend to sleep while my kids going back and forth along our seats (Thank God we got 4 seats in the front row all ourselves). Or when I let my youngest child cried for a while because she's cranky and I'm too sleepy and tired to attend her. But there were also times that people was smiling when they saw my kids goofing and laughing about silly things only they knew. When Irfan sits still and watched movie while I went to the toilet. When they both fell asleep and they gave you a you've-done-well-mummy-look.

I've traveled alone with my kids many times. In a plane, bus, train and car. Its a skill that only will get better with practices. Having said that, doesn't mean that my kids are on their best behaviour all the time. You can never go well for the first nor perfect on the 100th times. But, it will get easier each time.

Ok? :)

So good luck to you.

And me :)

Time

Its been a while since I talked to my grandmother on the phone. When i called home, usually she was sleeping or praying in her room and because i did not want to bother her, i just chatted with my mom. Today when i called home, my mom said that my grandmother was feeling very weak that if i wanted to talk to her, i should just call her cell phone because she might not be coming out of her room.

my grandmother is probably reaching 90s. i never know her birthdate. seeing her weak and all is something that i would have never imagined. all my life that i know her, she always walking and doing house chores around. even in her 70s and 80s. i should have remind myself, that each year im getting older, so does my grandmother. and my parent.

i hope i get to see her soon. when you need time. but you know you cant have it.