Monday, September 18, 2017

free mom

Izyan now on her second weeks at school and not a day goes by that she didn't enjoy it. She can be seen unzipping her jacket and hang it on the hook with her name on it along with her backpack. She quickly say 'bye ma!' and then quickly made her way to the kitchen play area, her favourite place. i had to call her back so i can kiss before leaving the school. And she's only three. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one with this overwhelmed feeling of kids starting school especially for young kids like Izyan.

So far, I haven't gone anywhere far when she's at school. Since she's still in a settling period I think that I should be around near in case she's upset at school and needed to be pick up instantly. So I've only been to the nearest local supermarket and the community center. Often I met someone who recognised me and Izyan, asking about how Izyan's doing at school and how much they could not believe that she's starting school and they said 'oh so you are a free mom now?' , followed by 'how exciting!'

Free mom. I dont know till how long. But i will cherish this moment as much as i can. You'll never know when another one will pop out of you!


Friday, September 15, 2017

Friends

Some people take friendship, sometimes, pretty serious than a relationships with family. Don't you think? Like, upset when you friends dont remember your birthday. Or dont make an effort to meet up with you when she was around the area. Or making plans with 'other' friends without inviting you. Long time ago, (shame on me), I used to be that kind of friend. Today, I am so glad that I was on another perspective about friendship, in more positive way.

Friend, according to Google is, a person with whom one has a mutual affection, typically one exclusive or sexual or family relations. Now, Affection, according to Google is, a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.

I like Suzi because she is funny. She didnt tell me that her dog passed away. She is still funny. So is she still my friend or not?

I like Ahmad because we both like fishing. He didnt tell me that me was around the mall near my house shopping for fishing stuffs. He still likes fishing. Is he still my friend?

I like Amina because we both love make ups. She invited her officemate for a lauching party of a make up product. She still likes make up. Is she still my friend?

Here's the point - I recalled someone said, a real friendship dont have to be selfish. The one that make you possesive is insecurities. If you want loyal, get a dog not a friend. LOL

These days, the friendship is taken to another level. You gotta know their birthdays, their families, their liking and sort, have to be invitied to all the gathering he/she host and have to join all the gathering that you host. Guess what, you are not 7 years old, so grow up! BUT -  I also doesnt say that it is wrong for as long there's MUTUAL affection. If one doesnt feel the same way like you do, then, its OKAY! He/She is still the same person that you like in the first place to be call a friend.

If i didnt see/talk to you everyday, it doesnt mean that i dont try to make the effort of doing so. If i didnt share certain news with  you, it meant that it is very personal to me. If i forget your birthday, doesnt mean you are not my friend. It could be that, or it could be that he/she thought you are not his/her friend LOL so calm down, get a grip, go find another friend. There's plenty more who can appreciate your shit.










Saturday, July 29, 2017

In summer plan

Its summer school holiday. Its been a week now but the weathers are all gloomy and raining. So much of summer break. But, lucky enough, we get a bit of sunshine today, when i took the kids out for dentist appointment and then to the nearby park.

 Its been pretty busy for husband who is now in writting stage. All i pray is for him to get all the motivations and ideas flowing while he is at it. I know its hard to not see or spent time with the kids. But, all for good reasons that we pray that its all worth it. And because of that God gives me a whole time in the world for my kids, right from they open their eyes in the morning to when they close their eyes at night to sleep. Who am i to complaint, when all mothers in the world would gives anything to switch place with me. All i gotta do is, as much as i want to get to bed early, i try to stay awake after i put them to bed. So i can sit on the couch, turn on the tv, and eat a chocolate. Or simply read a few pages of books. So that im able to say - on day to day basis, im good.

 On the other note, i had this idea to take up some online course since both kids are going to school this September. I thought that maybe i should learn something, cert-wise. Online course seems practical for me because i only get free time 9am-3pm (school hours). I had quite an argument with my mom who insisted that i continue study in engineering. Im quite torn in between my wish and her hope. And honestly it made me nervous and scared to move to the next step thinking that she would not approve it. But come to think of it, this was not the first time. When i took up engineering instead of biology in secondary school, i think she was a bit upset. I tried to apply for architecture degree course in Uni, although she was against it. I couldnt get through though but satisfied enough with engineering. I told her that this was just a short course, like taking a yoga or sewing class. Truth is, im not intend to go into engineering anymore. I think my passion and interest had move on to other area. 

Not to say that i dont like engineering. It used to be my passion. I enjoyed throughout my degree (though most subjects are pain in the ass). I enjoyed my work as a design engineer. My job took me around the world and i am forever grateful for that experience. Would i want more of it? Maybe. Maybe not. Mostly not, at the moment. But i dont think its wrong to change in your environment or career. Just long as u enjoyed it.

 Well anyway, thats the plan. And i have to make up my decision quick as september will just come in a blink. Wish me luck.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Death

How we die, reflect on how we live. I heard, or read that quote somewhere. Tapi ajal dan jodoh itu rahsia Tuhan. So how can we human presume the lifestyle of someone by how she/he die? All by mercy of Him.

 Here's the truth, i've been constantly thinking about death since my grandmother died. Just like any sinner, im hell scared of dying. To the point im being so overreacting. When i get a massive headache i thought im gonna die because i got brain tumor. When im travelling i thought that im gonna die of accidents. When i got pain in my stomach i thought im gonna die of kidney malfunction. When i got nose blocked, i thought i will die in my sleep due to lack of air to breathe. I'm starting to be paranoid than ever.

 When my grandmother was alive during her last two weeks, i used to came by her bed everyday and when she's sleeping i watched her chest up and down breathing in air all she could. She told me 'i'll be gone soon'. I always thought she'll recover. Never once, i came back to be expecting that she'll be gone. Looking back, i wonder, what was she felt at the time. Is she scared? Sad? In peace?

 Life is too short. So buy that damn shoes.
 Life is too short. Just eat the cake. Diet later.
Life is too short. Just go booked the flight ticket.


 Life is indeed too short. Too short to waste on a flight ticket, cakes or even a pair of damn shoes. Life is too short that you should start forgive people, love people around you and spent every seconds with your child.

 I hope that every seconds in my life, i'll be reminded of these.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

may babies

This year we don't host any birthday party for the kids but they had series of celebration. The first was with my brother in law's family who came visit. The second was Izyan's birthday, which she celebrated at the Stay and Play Session and at home. Then Irfan's birthday, which he celebrated at school and at home as well. Dont ask how much cakes I made and how much we ate. Enough to say that quota cake semua dah habis guna this month so I have to wait for next month pula. Good thing Ramadhan is just around the corner, so I had the chance to sugar diet (hopefully).

My sister and my dad also are celebrating their birthday on 7th and 18th of may respectively. We never had the chance to make a huge may birthday party, yet. And I wish we will get the opportunity soon, InshaAllah.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

just (hanya)

Izyan's going to school this September. While waiting for that, I have been giving myself a lot of thoughts about what I want to do, in my life. Since I left my jobs almost 4 years ago, I don't know if I should go back to work in the same field. I've worked for almost 7 years. My job is tough but I love it and I kept going (I could have left) because I have the passion of what I did. I've only quit because I had to prioritise my family. So, yes, I love my job but do I still have the passion? I told my mom about my plan and she told me to take up something that related to my field. She's referring to my engineering field , that I used to work in. But, maybe I'm on the different field now mom. 


Being a housewife for almost 4 years now, honestly, it did bring down my self esteem. I don't know how to describe it but I think thats the word that suit what I felt right now. When I used to work,  people used to ask me about my opinion and my decision and I felt wanted and important. Some comes from miles to get my signature for approval or wait for weeks to set appointment with me. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home too. I mean, yeah sometimes my kids asked if they could play outside and can only go out if I said yes or my husband asked if we should buy the new dishes dryer or asked me to plan for spring holiday or what should everybody wear today for outing. I do feel wanted and important - but only in my own home. Apart from signing on receiving parcel, I signed approval to allow Irfan goes on a school trip to the zoo. When I'm out, I was nobody but - just a housewife. Do I make decisions about the world? Not really although I should write the mayor about the rude bus driver who won't stop even when I pressed the bell. 


Sometimes my husband asked me to meet him for lunch at his university's cafe, I went along dragging my feet like there's some big steel ball chained to it. I felt all eyes on me when I push the buggy and a toddler trotting beside me, like 'who's is this lady with some kids doing in the university?'. Reality is, nobody damn care about me. But I felt like so bad about myself that I was not someone that changing the whole world. I am just a housewife. I hate the word just the housewife. When there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, I felt like I was all wrong in it. So the issue here is not the world nor other housewives but purely just the crazy me. 


So I have to fix that. Very quick. And not let it escalated to something even more danger. Ok that sounds too serious. 


For now, let just hope my plan all. goes. well.


hiatus

I have so many things to write but there's always something coming up and when I'm in front of the computer,  it just went blank. The last time I write was about some weather. And also to update, our trip to Cornwall was cancelled. What happened was, our rental car got hit by someone while it was parked outside. We had to returned it and were so unfortunate that we could not get a replacement because all cars were out since it was bank holiday. It was 7 a.m, we were literally ready to get our ass out from the house, when my husband went down to check the car and was told that the accident happened as 6 a.m. While, my husband went through all the hassle to settle it down i.e returning the car, the insurance, the police statement, I took my in laws to Portobello Market (luckily it was Saturday) and Holland Park. It was a nice outings but secretly, still our heart ached when we thought about the musibah. That night when I read the Quran, I came across such a beautiful ayat (can't remember the Surah but I quickly forwarded it to my husband).

"Setiap bencana yang menimpa di bumi dan yang menimpa dirimu sendiri, semuanya telah tertulis dalam kitab (Lauh Mahfuz) sebelum Kami mewujudkannya. Sungguh, yang demikian itu mudah bagi Allah"

"Agar kamu tidak bersedih hati terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu, dan tidak pula terlaulu gembira terhadap apa jua yang diberikan-Nya kepadamu. Dan Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong dan membangga diri,"

SubhanAllah.

Often I heard (especially from someone's hijrah story), that Allah answered their question when they read Al-Quran. Many times, I read the Quran and trying to flip to random pages to read the translation. I just came across some ayat relating to random events like about Nabi Musa or pemuda al-Kahfi. Or maybe many times across some ayat relating zakat, solat, neraka etc. But its not like, you know, the 'bang!' or 'this-is-it' feeling. Maybe its because when I read it, I don't read it with the right purpose. I read it only because I wanted to read it.

That night, when I read it, I read it because I want to heal my ached heart from that incident so I don't feel sad about everything. And honestly, after that, I feel a bit better about the whole thing.

Thank you Allah.