ending 2022

what a roller coaster month. it all started with a ‘vacation’ in a hospital to accompany ilhan due to prolong cough. just yesterday i saw a post in instagram said ‘you ever just hope for a small medical emergency with a short hospital stay to give you a break on life for a bit?’ i laughed at it because that was what i wished for desperately on some days. 

then went back home for one week recovery then i drove back to kulim with all my kids (i know, insane). spent 5 days there then drove back to shah alam midweek. kids will continue for school holiday programme at the local mosque so im going to busy myself with housework, groceries and attending to ihsan and ilhan. 

next week, we are planning to go to johor for 4 days and be back before new year.

next year going to be lots of fun, so much planning to much to look forward. pray that it all goes well.

adios 2022.

kuliah dhuha

 today i learnt something very valuable from kuliah dhuha. here’s a key that i remembered from it.

di manakah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita? adakah saat kita menerima anugrah atau pujian dari bos? saat kita melahirkan anak2? saat percutian berbulan madu bersama pasangan? saat terbaik di dalam hidup kita adalah di mana kita hanya mengharapkan pada Tuhan Yang Esa dan saat itu tiada apa melain Dia yang dapat memberi apa yang kita mahukan, itu adalah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita. saat itu, kita berpaling dari dunia yang tidak dapat memberi sedikit apa pun… dan kita seluruhnya bergantungan pada Allah, memohon, meminta, bertawakal dan redha dgn Nya. itu adalah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita.

blessing in disguise

day 4 at the hospital. 

i didnt get enough sleep. the pillow is too hard, my neck hurt. room was too cold i was shivering.i had to neb him every 4 hours and thats a battle. everytime i try to nurse him to sleep, the nurse came to take the temperature, giving out medicine and what not - so i had to start nursing all over again. but at least i dont have to prep the medicine. he had blocked nose, i handed him to the nurse to clear the nose. i dont have to do it on my own struggling with a wailing refused child (the neb is enough for me to deal with thank you). i dont have to clean the nasal aspirator, which is a blessing!

but. for 4 days too.

4 days i didnt do the laundry. i dont have piles of laundry to fold. i didnt cook, so i dont sweat so i didnt bother to even shower yesterday (tho my hair now oily because i didnt wash my hair for 4 days now). 4days, i didnt have to think what to eat. even great, foods come to me 4 times  a day! i dont have to clean up the house. i didnt do the dishes 4 times a day (even if im not cooking!)

i dont want to say out loud that i enjoyed my stay here because whatever it is, im here because my child is sick and NO MOM want her child to get sick. but honestly its a blessing in disguise. i didnt believe myself that i would say this nor its fair for me to say this, because even within this hospital, there’s lot more children that is sicker than mine, more worrying sleepless parent than me. 

i do felt guilty leaving my other children at home in the care of other family member. i felt guilty that my husband had to take care of everything at home despite his very busy schedule and workload at the office. but for this 4 days. 4 days. i tried to not be one. the children asking about me? well its ok. they/ll see me soon. you have work? well, im sorry that u had to go to work. i didnt say out loud (tho i wish i did), but thats what ive been telling myself. instead of feeling guilty, i said, ok. alright. well so it seems. why? i didnt plan for this ‘vacation’ nor i plan my child to get sick. so? why should i felt guilty.

and so, its a blessing in disguise.

Unwell

it seems like the sick baton keep on passing from one family member to another. this time, ilhan got sick. he was coughing for weeks and i decided to bring him to doctor when i saw his breathing was irregular than it used to be. that lead on to us admitted to hospital. he was a bit chesty and need frequent treatment. i was being extra cautious as this was something new to me. before ihsan non of my children got cough to the point it  affected their breathing. so when people asked me is it bad? i dont know what bad is? is bad means your childs turning blue and couldnt even breath properly? or bad as it was a prolong cough he was chesty and he was breathing rapidly than normal but rest assured he was an active child. i couldnt make a word to answer it properly. but my decision to bring him to see the doctor was not just my fully mother instinct but also a textbook information on early sign warning to look at a sick child. of course not all will understand this unless you are a mother. but that was it.

of course going to the hospital is not an easy solution. whether because my children are sick or me going to labour, going away for a few days and leaving my other children, is always an issue to us. one had to work nonetheless, and one had to care for other children. a sick child is worrying but what i wish for despite the sickness that granted upon us, Allah will also granted us other thing, sabr, rezq and most impotantly Allah bring all family member closer than before, not taking things for granted and appreciate each other more. 

38

i was on day 4, from the first day i started to get sick. it wasnt an easy recovering process. i woke up feeling sluggish but had to get up anyway. i look in the mirror and noticed my grey hair getting more and more apparent. i had no time to study my own sick pale face. i had to shower before ilhan get up. i remind myself to wash my hair that morning. the hair conditioner labels said to apply on wet hair for at least 5 minute. who got time for that? probably kim kardashian. 5 minutes is my total time in the bathroom, in and out. 

i was sick for 5 days when writting this. wednesday was the worst. i had fever, sore throat, migrain, body ache, cough and blocked nose. my covid test came negative for all three days that i have tested. i read somewhere that the new mutation virus could came out negative but still gives you the same symptom and would spread even faster. probably why ilhan got cough the very next day i got it.

i was grateful that my husband could work from home since wednesday. i was too tired to do anything. one point, i wish my mom could come fly over here and take care of me. me. a mom. at this age of 38 still wishing a for a mom to take care of me. i guess its true enough, you will always need your mom. not matter what you age. now i know growing up is very scary. today, i’m able to call my mom when i get sick, to get comfort words. there’ll be time, i cannot call her anymore and what are left with, just a memory of those comfort words she used to tell. 

Motherhood

 Few nights ago, i was feeling pretty upset. My baby had a hard time to get to sleep and my other toddler just wanted me. When i finally get to put the baby to sleep, I went down for dinner thinking that my toddler came down with me. But he was not. He was actually still in the room with the baby, sulking that I went down without him. I was so mad that I had to put the baby sleep again. I yelled him to get out of the room and i broke in tears doing so. For yelling, and for having to put the baby to sleep again. When i nursed my baby to sleep in that dark room, i said to myself, motherhood suck. Motherhood. suck.

That was that night.

Yesterday, I played football with my toddler. His sweetest and cheeky smile. I dont need to elobrate more on that day but motherhood was wonderful! I’d do it all over again if i can.

Having a new baby at this age, 3 more children to look after on top of that, it really shoved me to the edge. I have more burnt out days and nights, not to mention my sleep deprived and body aching. It constantly bugging my mental health too these days. I try hard to stay strong and be in a positive and encouraging circle of friends. When that done, at the end, im back to crying baby. These days all im hearing is a baby crying. It constantly ringing in my ear. 

Everyday, i said, they were all growing up. I’ll just have to bear with it now and be patient. But im missing a lot too. Many times, they went on without me. Why? Because mama has to take care of the baby. and that’s very lonely i think. for being left out. Because sometimes i think, why cant we all togather take care of the baby? But most time. thats not the case.

sincerely,

mother of four.

Confinement

10 more days before i end my confiment period which is 44 days in total. Malay confinement rules is very strict and full of pass over tradition, which some doesnt even make sense. Over the years i’ve practiced some under my mom’s care, which can be very very strict as she has gone through the same when she was cared by her mom too. 

Due to my dad’s surgery, my mom had to come a bit later after i gave birth so i hired a confinement lady from my friend’s recomendation and she was good. In fact she did all extra work without being asked for. There’s pro and cons and some way a bit different from what my mom would have done. She started her day at 9 am so I’ll sort myself out before she came. (She prepared the herbal bath the day before for me). I showered and eat breakfast myself (usually a toast with hot drink - something easy that me and husband can prepared). When she came, she showered the baby and when she’s done, she will massage me. When all ends at around 11-12, she will go downstairs and cooked lunch (that would be my dinner too to be reheated later in the evening). She went home when i finished my lunch and cleaned and washed in the kitchen, around 1pm ish. We also did sauna, tangas, pilis, param some other day which is my first time (as i never did with my mom before).

When my mom arrived, things adjusted slightly different. 7am, she came and bring me my breakfast. Then she went down to prep my massage stone. Then i did tungku (massage) myself for about 30-40 minutes around the tummy, legs and foot, while, she showered the baby. She will bring down the baby and bottle fed him. I finished off myself and showered and rest until lunch time /until next feeding. Then i came down for lunch when its ready. For dinner, she will make a freshly cook rice (the rice is never to be reheat - always cook a new one).

The diet between my mom and the confinement lady also is slightly different. Once the confinement lady cook me a dish with egg tauhu and suhun and rice for dinner was reheated from lunch, which my mom never approved of. For the confiment lady (and most of them), siakap, ikan merah, or salmon is fine. But my mom insisted that only certain fish can be eaten during confinement - ikan gelama, ikan kerisi, ikan grut grut, which i had to bought online.

Benkung or tummy wrap and socks is a must to wear all the time. But i sometimes take them out especially during the end of the day as it is getting hotter. My mom also told me not to use the AC and the fan must be on low speed. She insisted that everything i did or eat - must be in warm/hot. hot drink, warm food, warm room, warm shower. she even insisted that i only bath once a day (which i cannot obey because its too hot and uncomfortable to go to bed without shower).

Although the confinement lady was less strict than my mom, i still longed for her care everytime i go through confinement. Nothing is ever the same than mom’s care. But as much as i love her care, i still want the confinement period to end as soon as possible LOL.

2022. Checked In.

 4 years later.

I just gave birth on 5th of May 2022. A beautiful baby boy we named Ilhan. I in my confiment period now, all of a sudden i was thinking of my old dusty blog. Does it still exist? Can’t believe my latest post was in 2018. That was ancient!

But im glad i opened it and found my mojo to typing around something about my life. Today was my 15th day? This time due to unforeseen event (my dad fell off from his bicycle and had a surgery so both he and mom cancelled their plan to come here to take care of me after birth). So my parent in law came in instead and to help around, i hired a confinement lady. My first time. Alhamdulillah she was good in her work. In fact she was beyond of what she should do. The other day, she cleaned my bathroom floor. However, i still missed my parent and although my mom is the most strict confinement lady ever exist across the universe, i still longed for her care. I cannot wait for them to come over this weekend until the rest of my confinement period. 

I have aged since 2018. Im 38 this year but my mood swing worse than a teenager. Hence, as Irfan turned 10 last two weeks, I thought to myself, he’s going into pre-teens phase and i should be more mature and be ready to deal with his pre-teens stuff. lucky me he’s a boy so i expect less drama. izyan should be on the other hand. Even now at the age of 8, she’s like the pre-teen. she slammed the door, said urgh, fine!, she is so delicate that sometimes im scared that i mess it up. so id rather breathe in and let he deal her emotion for a while. 

so much i wanted to write right now but i guess i must take a break. catching up from 4 years ago might take too long. see you in next blog.