Few days ago, I was having a little argument with my brother when he came to question what is my job (referring that I am a housewife). Rather than give him quite a list of my 'work' out of feeling offended, I thought my safest answer would be 'what ever our mom did when we were little'. Little did I know, he was being such a jerk by saying oh she's working and there's a helper around. Is that the only thing u remembered? That was when we were a toddler. Not even three years old, i think. And the helper was only with us for a few years only. My mom eventually stop working when I was 9 years old and became a full time housewife since then. Heck, I could list 1000 things she did in a heartbeat! Although I'm pretty sure that he said it out of anger towards me being provocative, and that i shouldn't be bother by it, it hurts my feeling as hell. But, as much as he hurts me, he must have hurt my mom the most (as she was reading all our conversation and i felt really bad that my intention to be provocative towards him had already done emotion damage to my parent, too). Eventually, we had the argument passed.
Yesterday, while I was cleaning up the mess after lunch, and we were actually running a bit late but I couldn't bear leaving the dining table in mess because we are going somewhere after school run, Irfan told me hurry up and that we are going to be late. Then it hit me. What if - that he wont remember any of this? Any of my effort - I cook, fed them, clean the mess, scrubs the floor and then drive him to school. What if he only remembers the time that I left him with a babysitter when he was merely one year old?
That 20 minutes drive to school, I couldn't get my mind off this 1001 questions of what if. Should i get back to work? What if he actually hates being sent to school by his mom? It made me mad! After I left Irfan at school, sometime i quietly pray in my heart all the good things for him when he was at school. AND THEN, i realized. Instead of having a conversation with my son in that 20 minute car drive, i went nuts thinking the uncertain thing. I shouldn't! I should embrace PRESENT. BE present. Indulge in PRESENT. Captured the MOMENT. Because in 20 years time, heck if he don't remember of this, I would. I would and I must feel content at that time, for I have fulfilled my JOB and for that I have made effort, time and energy doing what I should do.
I think that is why I'm being too sentimental about things. Id keep things even the lousiest art my children made, I made photobooks, I made scrapbook of their learning journey, made the first year book, heck i even sew a blanket out of their baby clothes! Because I was too afraid that I might not be remembered, loved, liked, and cared like i felt right now. I must admit, I am not a good daughter so yes,most of all, I'm afraid God would punished me for not being a wonderful daughter. I was hoping I could turn to these sentimental things i kept to hold on to it, should i be needing it. Now that i write it, that would be a sad way to spent my remaining life! LOL
Regardless you are working or you are staying home, we need to be present. Enjoy the moment, and feel glad about it. Making memories not only for them.But for you.
