When I quit my job and move to UK and became a full time housewife, there are many times i felt down about myself. I think i have mentioned that couple of times through my blog but i never once shared my feeling personally to anyone, because im embarrased and i dont want people to look down on me. When i used to work, people dependant on my decision and opinion and that me feel wanted, important, valued and appreciated. I felt good about it. When i didnt work, i felt the opposite. Its a mind game honestly. Because if i were to tell people, they will definitely tell me that i’m doing a great job myself. Sadly i wasnt a strong minded person at that time and i refuse to think im doing great. Today, i felt how important it is, and i always give positive thoughts and cheers to my fellow friends (mom or not) because i knew how it feels.
I was so caught up with raising two kids, but when i was pregnant with my third child, my two other children went to school full time and it seems like God paves me the road to soothe my long aching heart. With some free time when the children at school, I took up the courage and enroll on a free online class. I got hooked up and I came to enroll after one another. I was free so i learnt at my own pace, and just enjoying learning new knowledge without any pressure (of passing or fail). I also went to few classes / course at the children community center. It seems like gaining new knowledge through all these classes made me feel invaluable to myself and community. Above all, i felt good about myself.
Then my third was born and i dive back into full gear motherhood. Then all i know 5 years passed and i had my fourth. I didnt take up any lesson since my third was born so i took up reading to accomodate my hunger for knowledge. I bought tonnes of books, read through all genres - biography, thrill, chick lit, history, non fiction etc.. turned out i love fiction/non-fiction history.
Last year it hit me that im soon going into 40s and i always wanted to do some more learning and figuring it out what i want to learn. I decided to learn arabic. But here’s the thing. Learning new thing is always intimidating, at least for me (also that the very late age). Even back then, I remembered feeling anxious about enrolling to classes / course, meeting new faces, taking notes etc. When i got my first job (also the last one), i knew absolutely nothing about automotive but somehow i managed to catch up prettty quick. So since then Ive been feeding my mind that yes, i am a quick learner. But years passed, and im no longer young, would i still be a quick learner that i used to be? That - became my blocking wall. That intimidating, toxic thoughts overpower my confidence, self esteem, basically all over myself.
Upon writing this, i have succesfully enrolled for the semester. I have yet to start the class but everyday, is a jiggle feeling for me. Im excited but also anxious. I hope 2023 will bring the best out of me.
