funny or not?

i just had some random (but seems very important) thought. i have been looking through some videos of students posted online by their teacher (for whatever purpose) and its kind of bothering me and i wonder if other parent felt the same too.  especially in the beginning of the school year, many teachers uploaded videos of childrens on their first day of school. some videos are funny, well mostly. but i thought, it is funny to us adult. but is it funny to them? would they find it hillarious as us adult do or do they find it embarassing. if its the latter, then we need a to look deeper on this issue.

theres one video of this teacher uploaded of a unfortunate student who dont have money to buy food at the canteen. the teacher was kind enough to give some which is heartwarming but, by displaying the student cute innocent face, i think we adult just violated his/her right for own goodness. we felt good doing it, educating adults to be more kind more aware of unfortunate students and but the child… what would he felt about it? will he be okay with it? when he grows up… would he be happy or resent it?

there’s video of embarassing moments of children at first day of school. its cute for us adult to watch. but for them? my children, always find it funny but at the same time embarassing of their own videos that i recorded without their permission (we parent always do) if  they watch it and hide or trying to block my phone so that others dont see, i take it that they dont like the videos and they were embarrassed by it, sometimes they went to the extends of  getting physical (hit the person that embarass them, fortunately they only hit siblings or mom and dad  but never outsider lol), so this matter is very a big issue to me. because sometime it could get worse. and i learnt over the years to know my limit to tease them. and in my household, we are still learning to respect each other and try to learnt the boundarings of making fun of others. and its very hard. because this family take teasing very seriously -_- and dad always involve. so educating the kids and the dad.. double work.… why cant they just be ‘not bothered’ like mummy. life is so much easier.

Birthday(s)

no one celebrating birthday today but while i was driving earlier today, i had reminisce my own birthday, which surprised me that i dont remember celebrating them much throughout my life, but only a few that i remember well.

when i was a toddler, perhaps around ihsan’s age. i remember wearing a white and yellow top, my curly wurly hair, my round cake that i shared to blow the candle with my little brother. it was a home celebration. 

when i was 12, my mom promised me that i get to have a birthday party where i can invite friends over. i was so excited. having a birthday party at that age at that time is a huge thing. i invite my friends which mostly were my neighbour. did we decorae the house? i remembered my mom made a square cake with white classic flowery pattern icing in the corner. it was my favourite, pandan cake. i recevied some birthday presents from friends, too. 

when i was 16, i went to boarding school. my mom rarely came visit me, probably busy taking care of my other siblings and the household. only my dad use to come regularly on weekend taking me out for outing or sending me stuffs from my mom. but on my 16th birthday, my mom came, along with my grandmothers, tokhajjah and maktok. she brought me an ice cream cake, which suprised me and also its my first time eating an ice cream cake. i thought what a clever innovation, this food. extremely brilliant! i was so over the moon about it. back then there was no baskin robbin so how my mom got me that cake was absolutely amazing. i love that day. it was indeed a special birthday.

i dont remember celebrating any birthday in Uni. which suprised me because i considered my Uni life, fantastic. surely there must be a birthday that i remembered. i tried to recall my memories but nothing came out. 

then after graduate from Uni, i went to work. Working life is so much fun and carefree, because i was earning and i was single. also,im living with my dad and using his car to commute to work, so im saving lotsa money. usually on weekend i went out with friends at night, dinner usually. i think on my 21st birthday, which had passed few days before i think. one night we went out for dinner, my besties and i. i was ordering or waiting the order to come when a birthday songs played in the speaker of the restaurant. my bestfriends even bought cake, with my favourite flavour, macademia nut. another, printed a banner on an a4paper saying ‘happy birthday tisha’. oh bless all my friends. i love them to bits.

when i got married, and have children, birthday have become somewhat just another day passing, a close reminder of time are running out. i also came to acknowledge my mom more on my birthday, that my existance partly because she fight her life to bring me out to this world. so mostly on my birthday myhusband and kids, we dine out, staycation, have a birthday cake. and i usuallly i sent my mom gifts or flowers on my birthday. 

these are my birthday memories.

Learning

When I quit my job and move to UK and became a full time housewife, there are many times i felt down about myself. I think i have mentioned that couple of times through my blog but i never once shared my feeling personally to anyone, because im embarrased and i dont want people to look down on me. When i used to work, people dependant on my decision and opinion and that me feel wanted, important, valued and appreciated. I felt good about it. When i didnt work, i felt the opposite. Its a mind game honestly. Because if i were to tell people, they will definitely tell me that i’m doing a great job myself. Sadly i wasnt a strong minded person at that time and i refuse to think im doing great. Today, i felt how important it is, and i always give positive thoughts and cheers to my fellow friends (mom or not) because i knew how it feels. 

I was so caught up with raising two kids, but when i was pregnant with my third child, my two other children went to school full time and it seems like God paves me the road to soothe my long aching heart. With some free time when the children at school, I took up the courage and enroll on a free online class. I got hooked up and I came to enroll after one another. I was free so i learnt at my own pace, and just enjoying learning new knowledge without any pressure (of passing or fail). I also went to few classes / course at the children community center. It seems like gaining new knowledge through all these classes made me feel invaluable to myself and community. Above all, i felt good about myself. 

Then my third was born and i dive back into full gear motherhood. Then all i know 5 years passed and i had my fourth. I didnt take up any lesson since my third was born so i took up reading to accomodate my hunger for knowledge. I bought tonnes of books, read through all genres - biography, thrill, chick lit, history, non fiction etc.. turned out i love fiction/non-fiction history.

 Last year it hit me that im soon going into 40s and i always wanted to do some more learning and figuring it out what i want to learn. I decided to learn arabic. But here’s the thing. Learning new thing is always intimidating, at least for me (also that the very late age). Even back then, I remembered feeling anxious  about enrolling to classes / course, meeting new faces, taking notes etc. When i got my first job (also the last one), i knew absolutely nothing about automotive but somehow i managed to catch up prettty quick. So since then Ive been feeding my mind that yes, i am a quick learner. But years passed, and im no longer young, would i still be a quick learner that i used to be? That - became my blocking wall. That intimidating, toxic thoughts overpower my confidence, self esteem, basically all over myself. 

Upon writing this, i have succesfully enrolled for the semester. I have yet to start the class but everyday, is a jiggle feeling for me. Im excited but also anxious. I hope 2023 will bring the best out of me. 

2023

hello new year. here’s what i have in mind for 2023.

1. to enroll arabic short course. 

2. less spending, more saving. i dont know how to less spending but i target to save rm5k by end year.

3. ganti puasa 20 days.

that’s all folks! lets roll 2023 like we never did before!