38

i was on day 4, from the first day i started to get sick. it wasnt an easy recovering process. i woke up feeling sluggish but had to get up anyway. i look in the mirror and noticed my grey hair getting more and more apparent. i had no time to study my own sick pale face. i had to shower before ilhan get up. i remind myself to wash my hair that morning. the hair conditioner labels said to apply on wet hair for at least 5 minute. who got time for that? probably kim kardashian. 5 minutes is my total time in the bathroom, in and out. 

i was sick for 5 days when writting this. wednesday was the worst. i had fever, sore throat, migrain, body ache, cough and blocked nose. my covid test came negative for all three days that i have tested. i read somewhere that the new mutation virus could came out negative but still gives you the same symptom and would spread even faster. probably why ilhan got cough the very next day i got it.

i was grateful that my husband could work from home since wednesday. i was too tired to do anything. one point, i wish my mom could come fly over here and take care of me. me. a mom. at this age of 38 still wishing a for a mom to take care of me. i guess its true enough, you will always need your mom. not matter what you age. now i know growing up is very scary. today, i’m able to call my mom when i get sick, to get comfort words. there’ll be time, i cannot call her anymore and what are left with, just a memory of those comfort words she used to tell. 

Motherhood

 Few nights ago, i was feeling pretty upset. My baby had a hard time to get to sleep and my other toddler just wanted me. When i finally get to put the baby to sleep, I went down for dinner thinking that my toddler came down with me. But he was not. He was actually still in the room with the baby, sulking that I went down without him. I was so mad that I had to put the baby sleep again. I yelled him to get out of the room and i broke in tears doing so. For yelling, and for having to put the baby to sleep again. When i nursed my baby to sleep in that dark room, i said to myself, motherhood suck. Motherhood. suck.

That was that night.

Yesterday, I played football with my toddler. His sweetest and cheeky smile. I dont need to elobrate more on that day but motherhood was wonderful! I’d do it all over again if i can.

Having a new baby at this age, 3 more children to look after on top of that, it really shoved me to the edge. I have more burnt out days and nights, not to mention my sleep deprived and body aching. It constantly bugging my mental health too these days. I try hard to stay strong and be in a positive and encouraging circle of friends. When that done, at the end, im back to crying baby. These days all im hearing is a baby crying. It constantly ringing in my ear. 

Everyday, i said, they were all growing up. I’ll just have to bear with it now and be patient. But im missing a lot too. Many times, they went on without me. Why? Because mama has to take care of the baby. and that’s very lonely i think. for being left out. Because sometimes i think, why cant we all togather take care of the baby? But most time. thats not the case.

sincerely,

mother of four.

Confinement

10 more days before i end my confiment period which is 44 days in total. Malay confinement rules is very strict and full of pass over tradition, which some doesnt even make sense. Over the years i’ve practiced some under my mom’s care, which can be very very strict as she has gone through the same when she was cared by her mom too. 

Due to my dad’s surgery, my mom had to come a bit later after i gave birth so i hired a confinement lady from my friend’s recomendation and she was good. In fact she did all extra work without being asked for. There’s pro and cons and some way a bit different from what my mom would have done. She started her day at 9 am so I’ll sort myself out before she came. (She prepared the herbal bath the day before for me). I showered and eat breakfast myself (usually a toast with hot drink - something easy that me and husband can prepared). When she came, she showered the baby and when she’s done, she will massage me. When all ends at around 11-12, she will go downstairs and cooked lunch (that would be my dinner too to be reheated later in the evening). She went home when i finished my lunch and cleaned and washed in the kitchen, around 1pm ish. We also did sauna, tangas, pilis, param some other day which is my first time (as i never did with my mom before).

When my mom arrived, things adjusted slightly different. 7am, she came and bring me my breakfast. Then she went down to prep my massage stone. Then i did tungku (massage) myself for about 30-40 minutes around the tummy, legs and foot, while, she showered the baby. She will bring down the baby and bottle fed him. I finished off myself and showered and rest until lunch time /until next feeding. Then i came down for lunch when its ready. For dinner, she will make a freshly cook rice (the rice is never to be reheat - always cook a new one).

The diet between my mom and the confinement lady also is slightly different. Once the confinement lady cook me a dish with egg tauhu and suhun and rice for dinner was reheated from lunch, which my mom never approved of. For the confiment lady (and most of them), siakap, ikan merah, or salmon is fine. But my mom insisted that only certain fish can be eaten during confinement - ikan gelama, ikan kerisi, ikan grut grut, which i had to bought online.

Benkung or tummy wrap and socks is a must to wear all the time. But i sometimes take them out especially during the end of the day as it is getting hotter. My mom also told me not to use the AC and the fan must be on low speed. She insisted that everything i did or eat - must be in warm/hot. hot drink, warm food, warm room, warm shower. she even insisted that i only bath once a day (which i cannot obey because its too hot and uncomfortable to go to bed without shower).

Although the confinement lady was less strict than my mom, i still longed for her care everytime i go through confinement. Nothing is ever the same than mom’s care. But as much as i love her care, i still want the confinement period to end as soon as possible LOL.

2022. Checked In.

 4 years later.

I just gave birth on 5th of May 2022. A beautiful baby boy we named Ilhan. I in my confiment period now, all of a sudden i was thinking of my old dusty blog. Does it still exist? Can’t believe my latest post was in 2018. That was ancient!

But im glad i opened it and found my mojo to typing around something about my life. Today was my 15th day? This time due to unforeseen event (my dad fell off from his bicycle and had a surgery so both he and mom cancelled their plan to come here to take care of me after birth). So my parent in law came in instead and to help around, i hired a confinement lady. My first time. Alhamdulillah she was good in her work. In fact she was beyond of what she should do. The other day, she cleaned my bathroom floor. However, i still missed my parent and although my mom is the most strict confinement lady ever exist across the universe, i still longed for her care. I cannot wait for them to come over this weekend until the rest of my confinement period. 

I have aged since 2018. Im 38 this year but my mood swing worse than a teenager. Hence, as Irfan turned 10 last two weeks, I thought to myself, he’s going into pre-teens phase and i should be more mature and be ready to deal with his pre-teens stuff. lucky me he’s a boy so i expect less drama. izyan should be on the other hand. Even now at the age of 8, she’s like the pre-teen. she slammed the door, said urgh, fine!, she is so delicate that sometimes im scared that i mess it up. so id rather breathe in and let he deal her emotion for a while. 

so much i wanted to write right now but i guess i must take a break. catching up from 4 years ago might take too long. see you in next blog.

Blogging

Me again. Two entry in a night. Wow. Just wow. What caffein can do to you.

After finished the post previously, I read back some of my blog post, years back, even the first. 2015. A letter to my 40 old self, wrote by a 31 year old me. Read by a 35 year old me. How charming.

I've started blogging years before 2015, probably 2007? I deleted it for some reason. I don't have too many audience anyway, just for my comfort for writing. And it still is today. I love reading my own words. Sometimes, my minds works too hard that I need a space to pour it out somewhere. Hence, the blogspace.

I thought of deleting it again. Who do blogs these days? Who READ blogs these days? People goes into Video Blogs now. Vlog. How millennial. I hope people don't forget words. Words. I think words are form of arts. One word can gives a lot of meaning.

Anyway, I may not be deleting my blog. Not at least until I turn 40. I would love to read that letter to my 40 year old self, again.

Izyan's Preschool

Its 1 a.m and the caffeine kicked in. I.cannot.sleep. And I have early morning appointment at Izyan's potential preschool tomorrow. My mind been buzzing on what school will she be in next year. I am spoil with so many choices around and choosing the best is surely going to be a challenge. This is the first time I had to make decision on choosing school, after our application to government preschool was turned down, even after appeal. So we had to find other option. Izyan's been off from school for so long and I know she is so looking forward for next year.

I personally had so many expectation for the school but I know cannot be too choosy. I hope I will not be disappointing too much from all these preschool hunting. We will choose the best school that works not just for her but for our family too.

What do you look for in choosing school? The facilites, the hours, or the learning methods?

May Allah ease our journey. For He knows best.

Be present

Few days ago, I was having a little argument with my brother when he came to question what is my job (referring that I am a housewife). Rather than give him quite a list of my 'work' out of feeling offended, I thought my safest answer would be 'what ever our mom did when we were little'. Little did I know, he was being such a jerk by saying oh she's working and there's a helper around. Is that the only thing u remembered? That was when we were a toddler. Not even three years old, i think. And the helper was only with us for a few years only. My mom eventually stop working when I was 9 years old and became a full time housewife since then. Heck, I could list 1000 things she did in a heartbeat! Although I'm pretty sure that he said it out of anger towards me being provocative, and that i shouldn't be bother by it, it hurts my feeling as hell. But, as much as he hurts me, he must have hurt my mom the most (as she was reading all our conversation and i felt really bad that my intention to be provocative towards him had already done emotion damage to my parent, too). Eventually, we had the argument passed.

Yesterday, while I was cleaning up the mess after lunch, and we were actually running a bit late but I couldn't bear leaving the dining table in mess because we are going somewhere after school run, Irfan told me hurry up and that we are going to be late. Then it hit me. What if - that he wont remember any of this? Any of my effort - I cook, fed them, clean the mess, scrubs the floor and then drive him to school. What if he only remembers the time that I left him with a babysitter when he was merely one year old?

That 20 minutes drive to school, I couldn't get my mind off this 1001 questions of what if. Should i get back to work? What if he actually hates being sent to school by his mom? It made me mad! After I left Irfan at school, sometime i quietly pray in my heart all the good things for him when he was at school. AND THEN, i realized. Instead of having a conversation with my son in that 20 minute car drive, i went nuts thinking the uncertain thing. I shouldn't! I should embrace PRESENT. BE present. Indulge in PRESENT. Captured the MOMENT. Because in 20 years time, heck if he don't remember of this, I would. I would and I must feel content at that time, for I have fulfilled my JOB and for that I have made effort, time and energy doing what I should do.

I think that is why I'm being too sentimental about things. Id keep things even the lousiest art my children made, I made photobooks, I made scrapbook of their learning journey, made the first year book, heck i even sew a blanket out of their baby clothes! Because I was too afraid that I might not be remembered, loved, liked, and cared like i felt right now. I must admit, I am not a good daughter so yes,most of all, I'm afraid God would punished me for not being a wonderful daughter. I was hoping I could turn to these sentimental things i kept to hold on to it, should i be needing it. Now that i write it, that would be a sad way to spent my remaining life! LOL

Regardless you are working or you are staying home, we need to be present. Enjoy the moment, and feel glad about it. Making memories not only for them.But for you.