Learning

When I quit my job and move to UK and became a full time housewife, there are many times i felt down about myself. I think i have mentioned that couple of times through my blog but i never once shared my feeling personally to anyone, because im embarrased and i dont want people to look down on me. When i used to work, people dependant on my decision and opinion and that me feel wanted, important, valued and appreciated. I felt good about it. When i didnt work, i felt the opposite. Its a mind game honestly. Because if i were to tell people, they will definitely tell me that i’m doing a great job myself. Sadly i wasnt a strong minded person at that time and i refuse to think im doing great. Today, i felt how important it is, and i always give positive thoughts and cheers to my fellow friends (mom or not) because i knew how it feels. 

I was so caught up with raising two kids, but when i was pregnant with my third child, my two other children went to school full time and it seems like God paves me the road to soothe my long aching heart. With some free time when the children at school, I took up the courage and enroll on a free online class. I got hooked up and I came to enroll after one another. I was free so i learnt at my own pace, and just enjoying learning new knowledge without any pressure (of passing or fail). I also went to few classes / course at the children community center. It seems like gaining new knowledge through all these classes made me feel invaluable to myself and community. Above all, i felt good about myself. 

Then my third was born and i dive back into full gear motherhood. Then all i know 5 years passed and i had my fourth. I didnt take up any lesson since my third was born so i took up reading to accomodate my hunger for knowledge. I bought tonnes of books, read through all genres - biography, thrill, chick lit, history, non fiction etc.. turned out i love fiction/non-fiction history.

 Last year it hit me that im soon going into 40s and i always wanted to do some more learning and figuring it out what i want to learn. I decided to learn arabic. But here’s the thing. Learning new thing is always intimidating, at least for me (also that the very late age). Even back then, I remembered feeling anxious  about enrolling to classes / course, meeting new faces, taking notes etc. When i got my first job (also the last one), i knew absolutely nothing about automotive but somehow i managed to catch up prettty quick. So since then Ive been feeding my mind that yes, i am a quick learner. But years passed, and im no longer young, would i still be a quick learner that i used to be? That - became my blocking wall. That intimidating, toxic thoughts overpower my confidence, self esteem, basically all over myself. 

Upon writing this, i have succesfully enrolled for the semester. I have yet to start the class but everyday, is a jiggle feeling for me. Im excited but also anxious. I hope 2023 will bring the best out of me. 

2023

hello new year. here’s what i have in mind for 2023.

1. to enroll arabic short course. 

2. less spending, more saving. i dont know how to less spending but i target to save rm5k by end year.

3. ganti puasa 20 days.

that’s all folks! lets roll 2023 like we never did before!

ending 2022

what a roller coaster month. it all started with a ‘vacation’ in a hospital to accompany ilhan due to prolong cough. just yesterday i saw a post in instagram said ‘you ever just hope for a small medical emergency with a short hospital stay to give you a break on life for a bit?’ i laughed at it because that was what i wished for desperately on some days. 

then went back home for one week recovery then i drove back to kulim with all my kids (i know, insane). spent 5 days there then drove back to shah alam midweek. kids will continue for school holiday programme at the local mosque so im going to busy myself with housework, groceries and attending to ihsan and ilhan. 

next week, we are planning to go to johor for 4 days and be back before new year.

next year going to be lots of fun, so much planning to much to look forward. pray that it all goes well.

adios 2022.

kuliah dhuha

 today i learnt something very valuable from kuliah dhuha. here’s a key that i remembered from it.

di manakah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita? adakah saat kita menerima anugrah atau pujian dari bos? saat kita melahirkan anak2? saat percutian berbulan madu bersama pasangan? saat terbaik di dalam hidup kita adalah di mana kita hanya mengharapkan pada Tuhan Yang Esa dan saat itu tiada apa melain Dia yang dapat memberi apa yang kita mahukan, itu adalah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita. saat itu, kita berpaling dari dunia yang tidak dapat memberi sedikit apa pun… dan kita seluruhnya bergantungan pada Allah, memohon, meminta, bertawakal dan redha dgn Nya. itu adalah saat terbaik dalam hidup kita.

blessing in disguise

day 4 at the hospital. 

i didnt get enough sleep. the pillow is too hard, my neck hurt. room was too cold i was shivering.i had to neb him every 4 hours and thats a battle. everytime i try to nurse him to sleep, the nurse came to take the temperature, giving out medicine and what not - so i had to start nursing all over again. but at least i dont have to prep the medicine. he had blocked nose, i handed him to the nurse to clear the nose. i dont have to do it on my own struggling with a wailing refused child (the neb is enough for me to deal with thank you). i dont have to clean the nasal aspirator, which is a blessing!

but. for 4 days too.

4 days i didnt do the laundry. i dont have piles of laundry to fold. i didnt cook, so i dont sweat so i didnt bother to even shower yesterday (tho my hair now oily because i didnt wash my hair for 4 days now). 4days, i didnt have to think what to eat. even great, foods come to me 4 times  a day! i dont have to clean up the house. i didnt do the dishes 4 times a day (even if im not cooking!)

i dont want to say out loud that i enjoyed my stay here because whatever it is, im here because my child is sick and NO MOM want her child to get sick. but honestly its a blessing in disguise. i didnt believe myself that i would say this nor its fair for me to say this, because even within this hospital, there’s lot more children that is sicker than mine, more worrying sleepless parent than me. 

i do felt guilty leaving my other children at home in the care of other family member. i felt guilty that my husband had to take care of everything at home despite his very busy schedule and workload at the office. but for this 4 days. 4 days. i tried to not be one. the children asking about me? well its ok. they/ll see me soon. you have work? well, im sorry that u had to go to work. i didnt say out loud (tho i wish i did), but thats what ive been telling myself. instead of feeling guilty, i said, ok. alright. well so it seems. why? i didnt plan for this ‘vacation’ nor i plan my child to get sick. so? why should i felt guilty.

and so, its a blessing in disguise.

Unwell

it seems like the sick baton keep on passing from one family member to another. this time, ilhan got sick. he was coughing for weeks and i decided to bring him to doctor when i saw his breathing was irregular than it used to be. that lead on to us admitted to hospital. he was a bit chesty and need frequent treatment. i was being extra cautious as this was something new to me. before ihsan non of my children got cough to the point it  affected their breathing. so when people asked me is it bad? i dont know what bad is? is bad means your childs turning blue and couldnt even breath properly? or bad as it was a prolong cough he was chesty and he was breathing rapidly than normal but rest assured he was an active child. i couldnt make a word to answer it properly. but my decision to bring him to see the doctor was not just my fully mother instinct but also a textbook information on early sign warning to look at a sick child. of course not all will understand this unless you are a mother. but that was it.

of course going to the hospital is not an easy solution. whether because my children are sick or me going to labour, going away for a few days and leaving my other children, is always an issue to us. one had to work nonetheless, and one had to care for other children. a sick child is worrying but what i wish for despite the sickness that granted upon us, Allah will also granted us other thing, sabr, rezq and most impotantly Allah bring all family member closer than before, not taking things for granted and appreciate each other more. 

38

i was on day 4, from the first day i started to get sick. it wasnt an easy recovering process. i woke up feeling sluggish but had to get up anyway. i look in the mirror and noticed my grey hair getting more and more apparent. i had no time to study my own sick pale face. i had to shower before ilhan get up. i remind myself to wash my hair that morning. the hair conditioner labels said to apply on wet hair for at least 5 minute. who got time for that? probably kim kardashian. 5 minutes is my total time in the bathroom, in and out. 

i was sick for 5 days when writting this. wednesday was the worst. i had fever, sore throat, migrain, body ache, cough and blocked nose. my covid test came negative for all three days that i have tested. i read somewhere that the new mutation virus could came out negative but still gives you the same symptom and would spread even faster. probably why ilhan got cough the very next day i got it.

i was grateful that my husband could work from home since wednesday. i was too tired to do anything. one point, i wish my mom could come fly over here and take care of me. me. a mom. at this age of 38 still wishing a for a mom to take care of me. i guess its true enough, you will always need your mom. not matter what you age. now i know growing up is very scary. today, i’m able to call my mom when i get sick, to get comfort words. there’ll be time, i cannot call her anymore and what are left with, just a memory of those comfort words she used to tell.