light to my heart

i remembered my parent’s face and sister (despite my mom wearing a face mask). the surprised. didnt tell that i’d be there. just thought they’d be gone by the time i arrived so i didnt bother texting them my whereabout. i cruised among the crowd and we both suprised to bump into each other despite the busiest lane where people getting in and out of the restaurants. 

my parent accompany me for lunch. they asked the rest of my troop and i said, i’m by myself today. my dad said ‘sekali sekala merdeka’. i almost stop eating. and smiled at him, agreeing.

we went for a bit shopping and me and dad stopped by a sport shoes stores. 

he said, ‘always invest in a good pair of shoes’. totally agree.

my mom went into her favourite store. we waited outside thinking that it might take a while, which it did. my dad said, hang sebijik macam mama hang.

i understand what he meant, literally and figuratively.

my dad, who knows to bring light to my heavy heart, when i need it most.

dimmed light in the living room

i usually took bus whenever i go when i used to live in the UK. i love sitting by the window, passing by houses. in day time, passing by blocks of victorian houses, like you just stack side by side a monopoly houses. You could see the little lawn -some are well manicured lawn. some are just full of weeds and overgrown bushes. and you cant help wondering, who lives there? what kind of household in that green well painted door with christmas wreath from months ago?

when night comes, the sheer day curtain almost revealed the whole household. dinner in the living room, some are watching tv, some are just standing and talking to each others, perhaps there’s a get togather in that house.

and when you go on a double decker bus, get a seat at the top, sometimes you catch a glimpse of kids running around the hallway, kids jumping on beds, adults just peering out the window in summer night smoking. when the bus stop at the traffic light, you catch an awkward look from the people inside the house. perhaps you are not the only one wondering of other peoples lives. 

who lives there? what do they do? are they retiree? or teachers? doctors? how many kids in that house? are they kind of a busy people? what time they arrive home? is their home lovely? 

those are the questions ive been wondering and asking myself, when i passed houses with that dimmed light in the living room.

forget and forgive

 is it easy to forget and forgive?

my heart is heavy as if it was tied to an anchor on thousand kilometers deep on sea bed.

my mind had me thinking 1001 wishful thinking.

i wish my leg takes me somewhere, my hand flaps in like a bird and fly me somewhere.

but im stuck in a memory bin. 

full of unwanted memories.

waiting to be deleted forever.

hope and dreams faded in cloudy mist.

is it easy to forget and forgive?

so i can start on a new page.

in a blank white fresh page. 

full of hope and dream.

that i listed and listed and listed.

only to be deleted away.

soon or later.

wake me up when september ends

i thinki now i understand that Green Day song title really mean “wake me up when september ends”. It was supposed to be month of happiness for me despite getting a year older and turning 40. It was supposed to be the most month i look forward to of all the 12 months. But now i just want to sleep of this sort of nightmare and wish that i was waken when september ends.

yes some thing happened and its painful to remember about it. its painful not because i was hurting inside but my children was affected by it too so as a mother that was the most painful thing that could ever happened to a mother, when your child is sad too.

when i was a working mom, i wanted to go home and wish i dont have to do anything else over the weekend and just be with my kid 24/7. now i am a stay at home mom, i wish that over the weekend i could have a few hours alone to myself away from the normality of the weekdays. 

im guilt as hell just thinking about that let alone saying it all aloud. i knew most people agree that we need that, but some might not agree and not understand. so where do we stand in this. how do i look forward. how do i manage? how do i stay balance in between all. how do continue on with my life with having that wishful thinking? how? is it too sinful to have a few hours alone doing what you like? or maybe im just too selfish? i dont ask for a girls trip or let alone a solo short gateway.

if what i ask is too sinful, too selfish, too hurting for you, should i apologize? should i end my wishful thinking? i should, right? because its not worth it with all that follow after.

My Lord, O Allah, You bear witness of what i feel and do, forgive me for my sins, You are Most Seeing, Most Listening.

motherhood vs marriage

mothers day coming soon. not the usual thing we celebrate in my family. and these day i dont mind not celebrating any special day, including my birthday. ive learnt over the years, that expectation will only make you lonely and sad. so i slowly learnt to celebrate myself, my own way, that can make me feel happy. anyway, mothers day got me thinking, that motherhood afterall is not difficult compared to marriage. 

motherhood needs physical courage more than emotional. if you are like tired, no amount of love can compensate that. so, your physical health must come first, then your emotional state mostly guaranteed.

but in marriage, i feel like, its almost 90% required strong emotional state. because, your love towards your spouse is not comparable with motherly love. 

so for me i think its more challenging to maintain a marriage than to maintain a motherly connection with my children. its more challenging to care a husband emotional state vs 4 children.

so, everytime i had a tiring day as a mother, i thought, ah… this better than having a slight row with my husband, so this thought always make me feel that being a busy mother of 4, is not that bad LOL

funny or not?

i just had some random (but seems very important) thought. i have been looking through some videos of students posted online by their teacher (for whatever purpose) and its kind of bothering me and i wonder if other parent felt the same too.  especially in the beginning of the school year, many teachers uploaded videos of childrens on their first day of school. some videos are funny, well mostly. but i thought, it is funny to us adult. but is it funny to them? would they find it hillarious as us adult do or do they find it embarassing. if its the latter, then we need a to look deeper on this issue.

theres one video of this teacher uploaded of a unfortunate student who dont have money to buy food at the canteen. the teacher was kind enough to give some which is heartwarming but, by displaying the student cute innocent face, i think we adult just violated his/her right for own goodness. we felt good doing it, educating adults to be more kind more aware of unfortunate students and but the child… what would he felt about it? will he be okay with it? when he grows up… would he be happy or resent it?

there’s video of embarassing moments of children at first day of school. its cute for us adult to watch. but for them? my children, always find it funny but at the same time embarassing of their own videos that i recorded without their permission (we parent always do) if  they watch it and hide or trying to block my phone so that others dont see, i take it that they dont like the videos and they were embarrassed by it, sometimes they went to the extends of  getting physical (hit the person that embarass them, fortunately they only hit siblings or mom and dad  but never outsider lol), so this matter is very a big issue to me. because sometime it could get worse. and i learnt over the years to know my limit to tease them. and in my household, we are still learning to respect each other and try to learnt the boundarings of making fun of others. and its very hard. because this family take teasing very seriously -_- and dad always involve. so educating the kids and the dad.. double work.… why cant they just be ‘not bothered’ like mummy. life is so much easier.

Birthday(s)

no one celebrating birthday today but while i was driving earlier today, i had reminisce my own birthday, which surprised me that i dont remember celebrating them much throughout my life, but only a few that i remember well.

when i was a toddler, perhaps around ihsan’s age. i remember wearing a white and yellow top, my curly wurly hair, my round cake that i shared to blow the candle with my little brother. it was a home celebration. 

when i was 12, my mom promised me that i get to have a birthday party where i can invite friends over. i was so excited. having a birthday party at that age at that time is a huge thing. i invite my friends which mostly were my neighbour. did we decorae the house? i remembered my mom made a square cake with white classic flowery pattern icing in the corner. it was my favourite, pandan cake. i recevied some birthday presents from friends, too. 

when i was 16, i went to boarding school. my mom rarely came visit me, probably busy taking care of my other siblings and the household. only my dad use to come regularly on weekend taking me out for outing or sending me stuffs from my mom. but on my 16th birthday, my mom came, along with my grandmothers, tokhajjah and maktok. she brought me an ice cream cake, which suprised me and also its my first time eating an ice cream cake. i thought what a clever innovation, this food. extremely brilliant! i was so over the moon about it. back then there was no baskin robbin so how my mom got me that cake was absolutely amazing. i love that day. it was indeed a special birthday.

i dont remember celebrating any birthday in Uni. which suprised me because i considered my Uni life, fantastic. surely there must be a birthday that i remembered. i tried to recall my memories but nothing came out. 

then after graduate from Uni, i went to work. Working life is so much fun and carefree, because i was earning and i was single. also,im living with my dad and using his car to commute to work, so im saving lotsa money. usually on weekend i went out with friends at night, dinner usually. i think on my 21st birthday, which had passed few days before i think. one night we went out for dinner, my besties and i. i was ordering or waiting the order to come when a birthday songs played in the speaker of the restaurant. my bestfriends even bought cake, with my favourite flavour, macademia nut. another, printed a banner on an a4paper saying ‘happy birthday tisha’. oh bless all my friends. i love them to bits.

when i got married, and have children, birthday have become somewhat just another day passing, a close reminder of time are running out. i also came to acknowledge my mom more on my birthday, that my existance partly because she fight her life to bring me out to this world. so mostly on my birthday myhusband and kids, we dine out, staycation, have a birthday cake. and i usuallly i sent my mom gifts or flowers on my birthday. 

these are my birthday memories.