Be present

Few days ago, I was having a little argument with my brother when he came to question what is my job (referring that I am a housewife). Rather than give him quite a list of my 'work' out of feeling offended, I thought my safest answer would be 'what ever our mom did when we were little'. Little did I know, he was being such a jerk by saying oh she's working and there's a helper around. Is that the only thing u remembered? That was when we were a toddler. Not even three years old, i think. And the helper was only with us for a few years only. My mom eventually stop working when I was 9 years old and became a full time housewife since then. Heck, I could list 1000 things she did in a heartbeat! Although I'm pretty sure that he said it out of anger towards me being provocative, and that i shouldn't be bother by it, it hurts my feeling as hell. But, as much as he hurts me, he must have hurt my mom the most (as she was reading all our conversation and i felt really bad that my intention to be provocative towards him had already done emotion damage to my parent, too). Eventually, we had the argument passed.

Yesterday, while I was cleaning up the mess after lunch, and we were actually running a bit late but I couldn't bear leaving the dining table in mess because we are going somewhere after school run, Irfan told me hurry up and that we are going to be late. Then it hit me. What if - that he wont remember any of this? Any of my effort - I cook, fed them, clean the mess, scrubs the floor and then drive him to school. What if he only remembers the time that I left him with a babysitter when he was merely one year old?

That 20 minutes drive to school, I couldn't get my mind off this 1001 questions of what if. Should i get back to work? What if he actually hates being sent to school by his mom? It made me mad! After I left Irfan at school, sometime i quietly pray in my heart all the good things for him when he was at school. AND THEN, i realized. Instead of having a conversation with my son in that 20 minute car drive, i went nuts thinking the uncertain thing. I shouldn't! I should embrace PRESENT. BE present. Indulge in PRESENT. Captured the MOMENT. Because in 20 years time, heck if he don't remember of this, I would. I would and I must feel content at that time, for I have fulfilled my JOB and for that I have made effort, time and energy doing what I should do.

I think that is why I'm being too sentimental about things. Id keep things even the lousiest art my children made, I made photobooks, I made scrapbook of their learning journey, made the first year book, heck i even sew a blanket out of their baby clothes! Because I was too afraid that I might not be remembered, loved, liked, and cared like i felt right now. I must admit, I am not a good daughter so yes,most of all, I'm afraid God would punished me for not being a wonderful daughter. I was hoping I could turn to these sentimental things i kept to hold on to it, should i be needing it. Now that i write it, that would be a sad way to spent my remaining life! LOL

Regardless you are working or you are staying home, we need to be present. Enjoy the moment, and feel glad about it. Making memories not only for them.But for you.

Beginning

I failed to transfer my 8933 pictures from my phone to my ageing laptop. I don't know why but it seems like Photo did not recognised my phone. Truth is, my MacBook is 10 years old now. For a computer, he's old citizen. Since I couldn't transfer all my photo, I tried other app, Safari. Then I look up the most frequently visited page - my blog. SO DUSTY (virtually). Might as well update a little bit although who else read blog these days. People rather browse through 10 igstories to read a whole nagging or bragging of the day, don't we? But I'll write anyway. The sound of the keypad seems like  therapeutic at the moment.

Been back in Malaysia since Jan this year so that has been 6months ish. Alhamdulillah, just last week, Izzal got a job so I have been back on my own running the house and doing school run. Its tiring as usual. I find times goes even faster since then. I cannot believe that Ihsan turning ONE next month. I have been home and I have seen, watch and learn about the kids all days seconds day in life but still I find that I'm still missing it somewhere. Like, how did you learn to climb the the slide? And even goes down by himself? I remembered teaching him once. He must have practices doing it while I'm busy doing something else (which is very dangerous! climb a slide without assistance!). And that made me think, I'm so lucky that nothing bad has happened when he's on his own. If so, I would feel so bad because I am home, I did not work, and I guess I do somehow put pressure on myself to blame if I'm not able to fulfil a job as a mother, like feeding them with not a home cook meal, not playing with them, saying no when they asked me to play with them, etc etc.

Anyway, overall, its not bad. I do miss life in London especially the school run and i love the school there (although I'm not the one attending it but I do love the teachers and the school. the environment is different). But, life is okay now. Would I want more? Maybe but I think I'm enough for now. My husband taking care of us nicely, irfan's enjoying school, sun and rain, family that I can talk and see them anytime.

I guess that's all about now. Till next post (in gazillion years time lol)

xx

Moving

The decision was made merely a month ago. I must say its quite sudden and my heart almost not prepared by it. I wanted to go back but not as in settling in. I felt that with the new baby in the family, I would want to stay longer for his sake. But, we never here for the kids. We are here for my husband. And he's done with it, so we must follow. 

As I started to packs our stuffs, I began to feel excited for another new beginning. Irfan will go to Primary School, Year 1. We need to find Izyan a play school and I'm quite nervous to think that she won't be in the same school with Irfan. Ihsan will stay with me. I will be a full-time housewife again but in a new surrounding. Adapt is a keyword. I don't know how housewife's life in Malaysia would be like but I had in mind that it'll be tougher especially timing wise. And the fact that our place is just far from everything is not helping too. I had a feeling that we'd be rushing here and there. Izzal need to find a job. pronto.

We'll missed the crazy, unpredictable weather here, no matter how much we complaint. But I'll welcome the sunshine and rain, still. You know what peaceful to me? I remember this a lot and I can imagine it right now. Storm and heavy rains in the evening in my huge bedroom. The kind of weather that dozed you away in your dreamland. But, I don't like if the electricity went out. That just creep me out especially when the house is empty and big. 

I'll be waiting the moment when the pilot said, for Malaysian, welcome home. 

Mother of 3

The title basically summarise of almost a whole year of hiatus. I can't believe the last time I wrote was in January. What did I do the rest of the year?  It is almost end of 2018! Anyway, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ihsan last July. My parent came down for almost 2 months to take care of me. Izyan went to Reception and Irfan in Year 2. Since most of my Malaysian neighbours have gone back for good, I made some friends with new moms at kids school and they were very nice. I completed 2 online course. Izzal now a researcher at Imperial College and we'll be staying here in UK until 2020. 

The other day I was thinking of setting up a new blog. You know, just to start it all over again, - again. But I couldn't come up with a good blog name so I'll just stick with this one at the moment. I love writing and pouring my thoughts, idea, feeling in words. I think they were much more understood rather than me talking. Or maybe I love typing. See, I'm a good typist. Or rather a fast one. I can type without looking at the keyboard and make almost no spelling mistake. I used to have journal but my handwriting is so bad and they always not consistent so I hate it. 

I don't have anymore random thing to jot down. So I'll see you in a few months. 

Or maybe next year.

xx

2018

Wow, my last post was like 4 months ago. There have been lots going on since then.

1. Kids settled down at school. And yes, I've been 'nurturing' myself very well since I got a few hours to myself in the morning. So many of my checklist has been ticked. Went to breakfast at the cafe, went shopping, relaxing and chilling at home just watching TV or surfing internet, wandering around central London by my self, have a quick lunch or meet up with husband, window shopping at the mall........ Basically, I've been doing lotsa things when kids at school. Life. Is. Great.

2. October was the busiest and it went by without me realising it. Mainly because my sister and my parent came visit. So we spent time going here and there. My parent stayed for over a month and we even went to Switzerland for holiday. So nice.

3. When my family went back to Malaysia, I started to fill in my time with taking up some few online courses - Online Business Course, Understanding Autism and also went to 10 weeks Nurturing Programs at the Community Centre. I went to Baby First Aid Training. I was so glad that I finally took up the courage to learn something new. It wasn't easy to get a head start to do something that is so different with what you used to do, but I am so grateful that I found the right person, the right source and finally triggered my own motivation and determination to do such things.

4. Husband finally graduating and completed his PHD. A huge relieved. Phew. And now he embarked on another new journey and hopefully all of us get through with it just like we've done before.

3. Lotsa friends has been going back to Malaysia for good. We bid farewell to too many people these few months. Sad.


Then, its new year. At the moment, we are still here for another year. We had a fair good start and hopefully the vibes continues as we go through the end year, which still a very long way to go.

To 2018!

free mom

Izyan now on her second weeks at school and not a day goes by that she didn't enjoy it. She can be seen unzipping her jacket and hang it on the hook with her name on it along with her backpack. She quickly say 'bye ma!' and then quickly made her way to the kitchen play area, her favourite place. i had to call her back so i can kiss before leaving the school. And she's only three. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one with this overwhelmed feeling of kids starting school especially for young kids like Izyan.

So far, I haven't gone anywhere far when she's at school. Since she's still in a settling period I think that I should be around near in case she's upset at school and needed to be pick up instantly. So I've only been to the nearest local supermarket and the community center. Often I met someone who recognised me and Izyan, asking about how Izyan's doing at school and how much they could not believe that she's starting school and they said 'oh so you are a free mom now?' , followed by 'how exciting!'

Free mom. I dont know till how long. But i will cherish this moment as much as i can. You'll never know when another one will pop out of you!

Friends

Some people take friendship, sometimes, pretty serious than a relationships with family. Don't you think? Like, upset when you friends dont remember your birthday. Or dont make an effort to meet up with you when she was around the area. Or making plans with 'other' friends without inviting you. Long time ago, (shame on me), I used to be that kind of friend. Today, I am so glad that I was on another perspective about friendship, in more positive way.

Friend, according to Google is, a person with whom one has a mutual affection, typically one exclusive or sexual or family relations. Now, Affection, according to Google is, a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.

I like Suzi because she is funny. She didnt tell me that her dog passed away. She is still funny. So is she still my friend or not?

I like Ahmad because we both like fishing. He didnt tell me that me was around the mall near my house shopping for fishing stuffs. He still likes fishing. Is he still my friend?

I like Amina because we both love make ups. She invited her officemate for a lauching party of a make up product. She still likes make up. Is she still my friend?

Here's the point - I recalled someone said, a real friendship dont have to be selfish. The one that make you possesive is insecurities. If you want loyal, get a dog not a friend. LOL

These days, the friendship is taken to another level. You gotta know their birthdays, their families, their liking and sort, have to be invitied to all the gathering he/she host and have to join all the gathering that you host. Guess what, you are not 7 years old, so grow up! BUT -  I also doesnt say that it is wrong for as long there's MUTUAL affection. If one doesnt feel the same way like you do, then, its OKAY! He/She is still the same person that you like in the first place to be call a friend.

If i didnt see/talk to you everyday, it doesnt mean that i dont try to make the effort of doing so. If i didnt share certain news with  you, it meant that it is very personal to me. If i forget your birthday, doesnt mean you are not my friend. It could be that, or it could be that he/she thought you are not his/her friend LOL so calm down, get a grip, go find another friend. There's plenty more who can appreciate your shit.