In summer plan

Its summer school holiday. Its been a week now but the weathers are all gloomy and raining. So much of summer break. But, lucky enough, we get a bit of sunshine today, when i took the kids out for dentist appointment and then to the nearby park.

 Its been pretty busy for husband who is now in writting stage. All i pray is for him to get all the motivations and ideas flowing while he is at it. I know its hard to not see or spent time with the kids. But, all for good reasons that we pray that its all worth it. And because of that God gives me a whole time in the world for my kids, right from they open their eyes in the morning to when they close their eyes at night to sleep. Who am i to complaint, when all mothers in the world would gives anything to switch place with me. All i gotta do is, as much as i want to get to bed early, i try to stay awake after i put them to bed. So i can sit on the couch, turn on the tv, and eat a chocolate. Or simply read a few pages of books. So that im able to say - on day to day basis, im good.

 On the other note, i had this idea to take up some online course since both kids are going to school this September. I thought that maybe i should learn something, cert-wise. Online course seems practical for me because i only get free time 9am-3pm (school hours). I had quite an argument with my mom who insisted that i continue study in engineering. Im quite torn in between my wish and her hope. And honestly it made me nervous and scared to move to the next step thinking that she would not approve it. But come to think of it, this was not the first time. When i took up engineering instead of biology in secondary school, i think she was a bit upset. I tried to apply for architecture degree course in Uni, although she was against it. I couldnt get through though but satisfied enough with engineering. I told her that this was just a short course, like taking a yoga or sewing class. Truth is, im not intend to go into engineering anymore. I think my passion and interest had move on to other area. 

Not to say that i dont like engineering. It used to be my passion. I enjoyed throughout my degree (though most subjects are pain in the ass). I enjoyed my work as a design engineer. My job took me around the world and i am forever grateful for that experience. Would i want more of it? Maybe. Maybe not. Mostly not, at the moment. But i dont think its wrong to change in your environment or career. Just long as u enjoyed it.

 Well anyway, thats the plan. And i have to make up my decision quick as september will just come in a blink. Wish me luck.

Death

How we die, reflect on how we live. I heard, or read that quote somewhere. Tapi ajal dan jodoh itu rahsia Tuhan. So how can we human presume the lifestyle of someone by how she/he die? All by mercy of Him.

 Here's the truth, i've been constantly thinking about death since my grandmother died. Just like any sinner, im hell scared of dying. To the point im being so overreacting. When i get a massive headache i thought im gonna die because i got brain tumor. When im travelling i thought that im gonna die of accidents. When i got pain in my stomach i thought im gonna die of kidney malfunction. When i got nose blocked, i thought i will die in my sleep due to lack of air to breathe. I'm starting to be paranoid than ever.

 When my grandmother was alive during her last two weeks, i used to came by her bed everyday and when she's sleeping i watched her chest up and down breathing in air all she could. She told me 'i'll be gone soon'. I always thought she'll recover. Never once, i came back to be expecting that she'll be gone. Looking back, i wonder, what was she felt at the time. Is she scared? Sad? In peace?

 Life is too short. So buy that damn shoes.
 Life is too short. Just eat the cake. Diet later.
Life is too short. Just go booked the flight ticket.


 Life is indeed too short. Too short to waste on a flight ticket, cakes or even a pair of damn shoes. Life is too short that you should start forgive people, love people around you and spent every seconds with your child.

 I hope that every seconds in my life, i'll be reminded of these.

may babies

This year we don't host any birthday party for the kids but they had series of celebration. The first was with my brother in law's family who came visit. The second was Izyan's birthday, which she celebrated at the Stay and Play Session and at home. Then Irfan's birthday, which he celebrated at school and at home as well. Dont ask how much cakes I made and how much we ate. Enough to say that quota cake semua dah habis guna this month so I have to wait for next month pula. Good thing Ramadhan is just around the corner, so I had the chance to sugar diet (hopefully).

My sister and my dad also are celebrating their birthday on 7th and 18th of may respectively. We never had the chance to make a huge may birthday party, yet. And I wish we will get the opportunity soon, InshaAllah.

just (hanya)

Izyan's going to school this September. While waiting for that, I have been giving myself a lot of thoughts about what I want to do, in my life. Since I left my jobs almost 4 years ago, I don't know if I should go back to work in the same field. I've worked for almost 7 years. My job is tough but I love it and I kept going (I could have left) because I have the passion of what I did. I've only quit because I had to prioritise my family. So, yes, I love my job but do I still have the passion? I told my mom about my plan and she told me to take up something that related to my field. She's referring to my engineering field , that I used to work in. But, maybe I'm on the different field now mom. 

Being a housewife for almost 4 years now, honestly, it did bring down my self esteem. I don't know how to describe it but I think thats the word that suit what I felt right now. When I used to work,  people used to ask me about my opinion and my decision and I felt wanted and important. Some comes from miles to get my signature for approval or wait for weeks to set appointment with me. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home too. I mean, yeah sometimes my kids asked if they could play outside and can only go out if I said yes or my husband asked if we should buy the new dishes dryer or asked me to plan for spring holiday or what should everybody wear today for outing. I do feel wanted and important - but only in my own home. Apart from signing on receiving parcel, I signed approval to allow Irfan goes on a school trip to the zoo. When I'm out, I was nobody but - just a housewife. Do I make decisions about the world? Not really although I should write the mayor about the rude bus driver who won't stop even when I pressed the bell. 

Sometimes my husband asked me to meet him for lunch at his university's cafe, I went along dragging my feet like there's some big steel ball chained to it. I felt all eyes on me when I push the buggy and a toddler trotting beside me, like 'who's is this lady with some kids doing in the university?'. Reality is, nobody damn care about me. But I felt like so bad about myself that I was not someone that changing the whole world. I am just a housewife. I hate the word just the housewife. When there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, I felt like I was all wrong in it. So the issue here is not the world nor other housewives but purely just the crazy me. 

So I have to fix that. Very quick. And not let it escalated to something even more danger. Ok that sounds too serious. 

For now, let just hope my plan all. goes. well.

hiatus

I have so many things to write but there's always something coming up and when I'm in front of the computer,  it just went blank. The last time I write was about some weather. And also to update, our trip to Cornwall was cancelled. What happened was, our rental car got hit by someone while it was parked outside. We had to returned it and were so unfortunate that we could not get a replacement because all cars were out since it was bank holiday. It was 7 a.m, we were literally ready to get our ass out from the house, when my husband went down to check the car and was told that the accident happened as 6 a.m. While, my husband went through all the hassle to settle it down i.e returning the car, the insurance, the police statement, I took my in laws to Portobello Market (luckily it was Saturday) and Holland Park. It was a nice outings but secretly, still our heart ached when we thought about the musibah. That night when I read the Quran, I came across such a beautiful ayat (can't remember the Surah but I quickly forwarded it to my husband).

"Setiap bencana yang menimpa di bumi dan yang menimpa dirimu sendiri, semuanya telah tertulis dalam kitab (Lauh Mahfuz) sebelum Kami mewujudkannya. Sungguh, yang demikian itu mudah bagi Allah"

"Agar kamu tidak bersedih hati terhadap apa yang luput dari kamu, dan tidak pula terlaulu gembira terhadap apa jua yang diberikan-Nya kepadamu. Dan Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong dan membangga diri,"

SubhanAllah.

Often I heard (especially from someone's hijrah story), that Allah answered their question when they read Al-Quran. Many times, I read the Quran and trying to flip to random pages to read the translation. I just came across some ayat relating to random events like about Nabi Musa or pemuda al-Kahfi. Or maybe many times across some ayat relating zakat, solat, neraka etc. But its not like, you know, the 'bang!' or 'this-is-it' feeling. Maybe its because when I read it, I don't read it with the right purpose. I read it only because I wanted to read it.

That night, when I read it, I read it because I want to heal my ached heart from that incident so I don't feel sad about everything. And honestly, after that, I feel a bit better about the whole thing.

Thank you Allah.

Weather

Weather had been changing every other week. One week it was all sunny the next was all windy and raining. Even after so many times I lived here, i still feel its a little crazy when we talk about England's weather. It usually happened at the changing season period. Also, it funny to find how British plays with their statistic on their weather - 'The hottest day in 10 years' 'The extreme frozen temperature in 20 years' 'The most windy day in a 100 years'. Don't you think its a bit exaggerate? Anyway, as I began to understand the weather changing, it made me much better in preparing vacation or day out or advising other people on their itinerary. Say , don't come in march and November, it will be raining, cold, and windy. Come when weather best in April, for its beautiful flowers in spring - not too hot and not too cold or in October, where the best of golden colours of autumn. Don't come in summer - it just did not make any sense if you are from hot country LOL.

My sister plan to visit in october and i cant wait to show her around the best place for autumn. my brother in law made such a wise decision to come visit in April, so we plan to bring him to the coolest side of west England in Cornwall where beautiful beach and cliff located. 

Weather is an interesting topic to talk about when you stay here in United Kingdom. You can talk about it with just anyone you meet because it has never been an awkward topic. Its funny because when I was in Malaysia, hell no body care to talk about weather. Its either rain or sun and thats it. Of course there's monsoon season but it hardly changes every other week ridiculously. I am so used to weather topic, that everytime I call my family, I would ask 'Hujan ke panas sane Ma?' even when Im in Malaysia. Like seriously, if KL hujan, later on Kedah also must hujan kan. 

3 years to 2020

fancy ways of saying its 2017! happy new year. not too late although its already february. i have to blog about how crazy busy we were in the early month of the year. so that when its all end, i get to read it and smile at our silliness of saying the word crazy busy. my husband went out so early and came home quite late. he is definitely pushing himself to get it all done by end year. that left me to handle the kids. sent irfan to school is my additional job and phew some days he really get on my nerve, that boy. but at least i dont get to think about why the graph came out weird. so i pity my husband :p

also, because of the super critical phase that we are in now, we cant afford to plan any vacations. we didnt go anywhere this winter. luckily my brother in law and family will come this spring so i get to persuade my husband to go on a short trip in cornwall ( all is booked so yay!). i got plan for summer but that also had to KIV (cry!). i didnt plan for autumm and the next winter because i dont want to feel bad about myself lol. so, i dont want to make my life so dull with no-vacation -- because, lets face it, we are in london. how dull can it be? i told myself, okay, if i cant go on a vacation every season, lets make the full use of london. i listed out some places (free) and make plans on certain weekends & school holiday / half term break. i hope i still find some hidden gems spots around london that can last through the year. 

after our vacation to aviemore last winter, bracing ourself in 13 hour train journey and cold - just to have that 1 day playing with snow on top of ski mountain, i almost said - i ticked off the winter list. as a someone who comes from hot and humid country i thought winter is all about snow. if it aint snowing, it is not winter! betul kan? too bad i live in the part of the country where winter means frosty and foggy morning. and even when its snowing, it just a sleet. booo london. but idont want to just play with snows, i want to ice skate on frozen lake, see frozen waterfall, build a snowman as tall as me and make an igloo (or maybe that's too much), ride a reindeer or husky dogs or snowmobile! and so my winterlist gets on and on. although i dont know if we will get another winter anymore.

izyan's going to school this september. although it is 7-8 months away but i cnt help feeling overwhelmed - sad and happy. she is quite attached to me (or i am quite attached to her) so having to stay at home without her would definitely make a differrent. but on the hand, i get to relax and not thinking of how to entertain her all day or maybe i can go out for lunch with husband. we never been out for a date let alone lunch/dinner date since we got irfan. well, its 7-8 months away..... let see.